Promptings, Confusion, and Answers!

November 14, 2016

I have a lot of fear about a decision I feel very prompted to make...My fear of this choice is extreme! Like for every reason... Mind, body, and spirit. I don't think this choice, that has been gnawing at my mind for months... since May is smart at all. Monkey and I decided that 4 children is probably it and we should be done because of my mental state and my bodies state. But when the idea/prompting won't leave your mind after much prayer... and you cry because you know #5 is suppose to be here- but you are too afraid to- but still the feelings keeps coming back... then I think it may be time to listen to someone who knows and sees far more then I do. Or at least try to figure out why these feelings keep coming.

 First off, we tired in July to have a baby and I am pretty sure but not 100% that I had a miscarriage... that was awful!!! So sad. And for some reason unusually painful... it made me feel so sick! My heart goes to anyone who has ever had a miscarriage. It really is so heart breaking. My fears sky rocket even thinking of having another baby.  My neck is messed up, my back is no better, I have spurs off my hip socket and an impinged nerve that cause a lot of hip pain, my knees are hilariously bad, and I deal with anxiety from my last pregnancy, we are moving in 5 months, and Oliver is getting a new job, new house, new state, new insurance, etc.... but yet I still can't get over these feelings of  having another baby. It for real is like pestering me! I for some reason, despite everything... and knowing full well that this will not be easy at all... and will probably be extremely painful-  I still feel we need to go for it. I feel like I am suppose too. I think I am insane! This doesn't seem to be smart at all!!! Oliver and I both feel very uncertain and uncomfortable about this whole idea...  Randomly... seriously out of the blue... I got this text from my friend... not kidding... literally right after Oliver and I had the discussion/prayer about weather or not to have another baby and asked for a strong answer...

"With all my capacity I encourage you to discover who you really are. I invite you to look beyond the daily routine of life. I urge you to discern through the Spirit your divinely given capacities. I exhort you to prayerfully make worthy choices that will lead you to realize your full potential." -Richard G. Scott-

What in the world!!!!???  that is so random to get from a friend out of the blue! Of course when the girls (Evie and Paige) went down for a nap I was by myself and really started thinking...

What is my full potential? What are my divinely given capacities? I want to know and I want to make choices that will lead me to what My Father in Heaven thinks is my full potential...

December 21, 2016

I prayed again and asked my Father to help me find what my own personal potential is? What does he want me to become? I expressed how I feel like I think it would be best not to have a baby for now and wait a year or two or maybe just be done with having kids... but for some reason I feel like I am wrong- I think it may be time to have a baby. This has happened over and over.... I asked for a clear answer because I am really struggling with this. And to be honest- I don't think I can do it.... I don't know what is to come and I don't know how smart this is. What if my anxiety gets worse and spirals out of control and I become scary again like I was? Or what if maybe... I am being prompted because maybe it is what I need to help me balance back everything that is going on in my body? I don't know... but I know He knows. As I looked for something to study I came directly to a talk all about missionaries by Richard G. Scott called, Realize your full Potential. Completely unaware as I was reading it that it was the same talk with the quote my friend gave me yesterday!!!! seriously!!! Yes this talk is all about missionaries... but these quotes really grabbed my heart,

"I will share one sure way you can begin to accomplish such growth. I have seen valiant missionaries brave icy wind, resist torrential rains, slosh through slippery, muddy streets, and conquer fear. Often they bear a powerful testimony, only to be rejected and roundly criticized. I have seen them struggle to communicate truth in a new language. Sometimes the listener stares in puzzled silence. Then there dawns the shattering realization that the message is not understood. But I wouldn’t change any of it, even if I could, because there are those golden moments of success that make all of the hardships worthwhile. Such rewards come when the Spirit touches a heart for eternal good because someone like you was there. To share truth in difficult circumstances is to treasure it more. When you push against the boundaries of experience into the twilight of the unknown, the Lord will strengthen you. The beauty of your eternal soul will begin to unfold."

"The challenges are greater now than ever. That is why the Lord needs more capable, better prepared missionaries. He needs those who are clean and pure so that they can be guided by the Spirit and can testify with converting power. Qualify to be one of those exceptional missionaries. It will not be easy. But when was anything really worthwhile easy?"

"God uses challenges that we may grow by conquering them."

I know this is not talking about being a mother or having a baby again. But I do believe Heavenly Father has so many ways He talks to us... and it is how you feel that makes it personal to you.

...Brave icy wind, resist torrential rains, slosh through slippery, muddy streets, and conquer fear... that make all of the hardships worthwhile... When you push against the boundaries of experience into the twilight of the unknown, the Lord will strengthen you. The beauty of your eternal soul will begin to unfold...challenges are greater now than ever... It will not be easy. But when was anything really worthwhile easy?...God uses challenges that we may grow by conquering them.

I have no words... I can barely see what I am typing because tears are filling my eyes. I feel lots of Peace... which I haven't for a while. Life really is walking into the unknown... and hoping for the best. I don't know what is in my future... and this whole baby thing scares me to death. Especially because when we have tried and I get a negative I get more sad or the result of my monthly gets much more worse and painful.... But somehow I have every hope that if I follow Christ and my father in Heaven it will be beautiful ending... hardships and all... when was anything really worthwhile easy?... I know I keep having the feeling to have another baby for some reason. And after reading all this made me not as scared of the pain that may come. This little spirit, if we are blessed with another baby, will be such a blessing and the source of so much happiness.... I already can't imagine life without whoever may come. Hopefully Heavenly Father can help me hold it all together! Especially when and if I get pregnant ... because I know a lot of people will not agree with the decision I make to have another baby. Some may even be scared or mad themselves... But I have to follow what I feel Heavenly Father is prompting me to do. Now We just have to see if Monkey feels the same way!!!! Oh boy!

December 22, 2016

Monkey took some time last night to figure out if this whole baby thing is right.... He said he felt so at peace and ready for a baby. But after a frustrating incident with the kids last night he got upset and frustrated that he today -doesn't know if it is the right thing to do anymore!!  He said how he is worried about being a grouch of a Dad, stressed about money, and he is worried about me.... anxiety, hip, back, neck, knees.... I think he fears I may just be crippled the rest of my life or worse. So I felt like I needed to pray and see if Heavenly Father had something that could help me really know AGAIN or to help calm Monkeys fears if this were right decision. I again came across a talk randomly... Be fruitful, Multiply, and Subdue the Earth by Elder Joseph W. Sitati...

"Our physical bodies are a blessing from God. We received them for the purposes of fulfilling Heavenly Father’s work “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”⁸ The body is the means by which we can attain our divine potential."

"The body enables Heavenly Father’s obedient spirit children to experience life on earth.⁹ Bearing children gives other spirit children of God the opportunity to also enjoy life on earth. All who are born in mortality have the opportunity to progress and to be exalted if they obey God’s commandments."

"Faithful Latter-day Saints who understand their divine potential and rely wholeheartedly on the power available through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ are strengthened in their natural weakness and “can do all things.”

WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!  Holy Cow this was the answer I had been looking for about my potential. I think it is so crazy that I was trying to figure out what my real potential is and Monkey is trying to figure out if he can handle another baby and BOOOOM in that last quote it answered both our questions. I love that I can speak to Heavenly Father and He will and can speak to me. I always think, "oh maybe its just a coincidence"- but no it's not! Heavenly Father does speak to us as a friends  would speak to us! He answer our most detailed questions that may seem pointless. I know He gives answers if we just speak to Him and learn of Him. I am confident that it is time to have another baby.
 Tonight Monkey and I are going to read our patriarchal blessings. I am almost 30 years old and Monkey is 31 years old..... we still have sooooooo much to offer. So much to share! It may take a toll on my body but I also believe I can be strengthened. I may be a nut job with my anxiety but I try and I try hard... so I will not give up... I will not loose hope... I can do hard things. This will be hard... if not impossible at times... a bit regretful at times haha But I can't wait to meet whoever may come! I am all giddy for the first time instead of fearful inside to hold this possible new little one. One day at a time... bad or good... one day at a time... I also am going to keep this secret for a long time so no one freaks out on me and tells me I am crazy or worries about my body or mental state... well if I am blessed to get pregnant anyways!!! I am ready to see what more this family of mine can become... well as long as Monkey is ready too.... We will see!

Doing this is a huge leap of faith for us. Complete shot in the huge unknown! I am scared out of mind but excited at the same time. hahahah crazy!!!

Later this evening..

I can't believe after much talking and praying Monkey agrees that it is time to have a baby! It must be!!! because for him to say yes through all this... it is a MIRACLE ... definitely divine direction! I guess #5 here we come!! 

January 4, 2017

So I have had a hard time with anxiety lately... one day in particular I lost my mind and even chucked some toy at Monkey while the kids were watching! Highlight of my life- let me tell you!! I am struggling and I feel like something has got to change! Anyways thoughts of regret about having a baby filled me. All day long I thought.... What on earth have we done??? I am not fit to have another baby. I felt so irresponsible for choosing this. I kept saying over and over to myself... way to go bringing another baby to a Mom who is 100% nuts!! I really doubt myself... I am so tired, overwhelmed, I have no control over my body at times or my thoughts. I don't want my family to have to endure me any worse then I already am. Whenever I don't know what to do... or when I am full of doubt... which seems like all day everyday... when I am anxiety filled I pray for guidance or peace. And what I am forever grateful for is without fail and no matter how many times I return to fear and doubt... my Father in Heaven sends me some kind of comfort or answers. Even when I don't ask directly or even when I have a bad attitude like whatever!! Heavenly Father is probably sick of me and hearing my constant prayers for help. But it's like He knows I feel bad praying to Him... and even more amazing he knows exactly what I need and somehow gets it to me. I was cleaning with music on Pandora in playing in the background. I got a distinct feeling to stop, sit down, and listen to this particular song that came next... So I sat down and listened. The song was by Bethany Dillon called You're the best song...

You need me so here I am, In the long hard days there is beauty, I am tired now but you are worth EVERY sleepless night, you are worth it all... I pray you'll hear Jesus when you're older, I remember when you were just a heart beat but now our eyes meet and forever isn't long enough to love you....

I have never heard this song. This song tells  how this sweet baby will hopefully one day be a huge servant to the Lord "Confessing His name" I felt such peace and again reassurance that someone is suppose to come no matter my fears. Days passed and I took confidence that okay if I am pregnant- it's suppose to be. But that did not stop my fear of upcoming trials that may come. I talked to my Mom not about the baby but being nervous about my future and how I am sad putting my family through all this that I go through. She told me that Heavenly Father is going to guide me to what will heal me. For the past little while the Word of Wisdom has popped in and out of my mind. Pestering feeling again. I have thought about The Word of Wisdom a lot recently. But never read about it or anything. Today I woke up thinking about it, feeling like I needed to read about it. So I said I would after I read where I was in the Doctrine in Covenants. I I got up, picked up my scriptures, opened to where I left off, and what do you know... The sections of the Word of Wisdom where next. Hahaha it's crazy! I really studied Doctrine & Covenants 88-89  and I got a huge feeling that this could be the direction I need to go for my situation.

89 1:16

1 A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

 2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

 3 Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.

 4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

 5 That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

 7 And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

 8 And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

 12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

 14 All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

 15 And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

 16 All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

88:123-126

123 See that ye love one another; cease to be covetous; learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires.(give)

 124 Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.

 125 And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.

 126 Pray always, that ye may not faint, until I come. Behold, and lo, I will come quickly, and receive you unto myself. Amen.

This is the promise the Lord gives if we follow the Word of Wisdom vs. 18-21

 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

 19 And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

 20 And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them(be protected). Amen.

I got such a strong impression... If I can live this way and try my best to get rest like was described in section 88 I have no need to fear... I will be okay, my family will be okay, and I will be more confident to be a Mom again. I believe I can receive health, have strength, not be exhausted beyond the normal, and I will be protected. So I am going to do this.. fear or no fear... I know things don't happen by chance, especially when it comes from prayer and feelings of the Holy Ghost. Which has been over and over in my case! This will be extremely difficult... I do like my treats... but Moderation in all things is possible. I don't know why this has to be hard but boy will this be hard for me. But after a lot of studies I learned that this way of eating "PLEASES THE LORD" and I really want to please him and make him proud. I believe in this promise and I believe we are lead to things for a reason. So here goes nothin!

January 17, 2017

It has been a little over a  week of completely changing the way I eat.... My entire cabinets and fridge looks different. I feel like I am a vegetable! This weekend I had to eat some sort of sugar! So I made some almond butter cookie.... oh dear! Anyways I feel actually a lot different. I thought I was pregnant... I could've sworn I was. But I am not. With the miscarriage in August and now this month not being pregnant. I am trying to figure out why I so strongly felt like I am suppose to. When I found out I was not pregnant- I was shattered. You'd think I would be relieved. I came to see how much I wanted another baby... ready or not! Pain or not! I missed so badly whoever is not apart of this family. It didn't matter that there was no baby- I still felt the absence sting. Yes I bawled. But I guess that is just what I do! How can someone love someone so much they never even met? How can an ache be in my heart for someone that doesn't even exist??? I have a tiny taste of what someone goes through who can't get pregnant... a tiny taste... and I feel so much compassion for all who try or loose. All I know is my love for this little one -whoever you are... is extreme! I am excited to see if maybe next month I will have the joy of carrying a little one. I don't quite understand all these promptings I have received... but I know I will one day.... hopefully and I am not just making all this up or something... Then I would check myself into a mental hospital!

January 22, 2017

I'm sitting in the ER right now not really knowing what to think... I am definitely not pregnant. My period started normal and then one morning I couldn't stop bleeding... Like a lot of blood was coming and then big clots followed the rest of day.... Like 9 big clots the size of a golf ball and lots of blood. I started to feel super dizzy, sick, fatigued, tingly, freezing, etc. I couldn't get off the couch for like two days. This whole thing has lasted a couple of days so I am in the ER waiting to get a IV and other tests done. My feelings are all over the place. Not sure I quite understand what the will of the Lord is or what I need to understand. But I am trying to be humble and open to what he has in store for me. I know I will catch up to what is in store for me. But for now I will just try to enjoy the other people SCREAMING profanities at the doctors who were trying to take their blood... or try to not go out of my room to see who is screaming "ZAAAAPPPPAAAATOOOOS 911.... 911!!!... ZAPATOS AYUDAME!! AYUDAME! 911" Dude Alamogordo people are crazy... makes me feel a lot better about myself!

So turns out my blood work is all normal. I got ultrasounds done and it showed that I have cysts or tumor like things on the endometrium- the lining of my uterus. And also at this time of my period the lining should be very thin and it is not. It is prominent which causes concerns. My mom told me like two days ago that my Aunt Kathie had the same thing happen to her and it was Fibroid tumors. Maybe that is exactly what I have. I am suppose to go to a OBYGN tomorrow and hopefully get this whole thing taken care of. I had a thought... maybe I was led to start having a baby because I am the type of person that does not go to the doctor unless I have a baby, or trying to have a baby, or hahaha a kidney stone. That is about it what will get me in hospital doors. So maybe I was prompted to get me in so I could get this problem taken care of so possibly if I am suppose to get pregnant I will be okay and I won't have complications. Maybe... But for now I am just grateful nothing serious was found. We go through a lot just to get one of these sweet spirits here. No wonder we already love them so much.

January 24,2017

I have an appointment on Friday! I am very anxious to see what happens or if trying to have a baby is still in the picture after all this business. Having a crystal ball that foresees my future would be much appreciated! But I guess that's what having faith is for! But side note- My anxiety is like not here. Usually I would be struggling physically and mentally out of my mind but I am at peace and feel very in control... which makes me confident that I have been directed in the right direction by Heavenly Father even though I don't know what my come. I feel peace. And I don't feel that very often! Much gratitude!

January 25, 2017

Well maybe I shouldn't announce that I feel like this battle is over like I wrote in another blog post... cause one nights sleep changes everything for me it seems. Man... I do feel like I am getting better- I just got to keep believing it and I know one day I can honestly announce I am better! Good thing yesterday I decided to be okay if this happens. At least its not horrible. I will just cry and move on and remember a nights sleep can change everything! I do have to say I am surprised I have lasted as long as I did considering what has happened health wise and sleep wise lately... Last two weeks I have been super sick, in ER, kids got stomach bug, throwing up 9-12 times a night, cleaning/sterilizing/washing everything, and hardly sleeping... so that is positive I haven't had an anxiety attack at all... and its been over 2 weeks of this! That is progress... really... usually my mind and control would be so out of control. Today I still haven't had an attack... just can't breathe deep as my Dad would say and I want to bawl.... But I got 7 loads of laundry cleaned and put away, bed sheets cleaned and beds made, every room cleaned and vacuumed, preschool for Paige done, homework done for Belle and Cash, showered, took care of Evie even if i pushed a banana in her face through frustration hahaha, ohhhhh man parenthood... but even feeling how I do... I accomplished so much and am proud that I was able to control how I felt inside. That is something I am never am able do during these days... I am proud of myself.

Tonight just took a big turn...I am overwhelmed... Evie has a fever tonight and is coughing really deep. I can handle throw and that but for some reason the no breathing coughing so hard you throw up... freaks me out. I started thinking how Paige when she had pneumonia... She sounded and looked just like Evie. Sadly all my control left and I went irrational and prayed my guts out that Evie could be healed. She got a priesthood blessing and totally feel asleep. The power of our Heavenly Father blows my mind each time. I am amazed every time I see His power in the works. After being terrified about what ifs about Evie I realized I may have a bit of Post dramatic stress from Paige's month stay in the hospital. I have a lot to work on.

January 30, 2017

So I went to the OBYGN Friday and I the doctor said she I may need a biopsy.... So today after a very long 1 hour long opened legged ultrasound and biopsy...ewwwww and ouccccch!!! I still don't have answers to what may be going on. I have to wait till Thursday for results. My thoughts are everywhere. I only have 2 options I have cancer or I have something that is leading to cancer. I can't really grasp what is going on.It seems so unreal!! I am confused why on earth I was inspired to have a baby and to be strict on the Word of wisdom diet... Because now there is no way I can have a baby now. I am bleeding so bad and clots the size of golf balls that a baby is far from reality or I may even have to have an hysterectomy. I can't even think that way because I honestly would be more devastated not to have a baby then I would if I have cancer... So I am in a bit of denial and confused about my promptings.... So many puzzle pieces of my life have been dumped all over the place. And I have no idea how to begin to put it back together! Poor Oliver- I think he has had it emotionally. So lots of prayers for him and I guess hold it steady and wait till Thursday.

February 2, 2017
WELL... All my blood work came back again and and again I am extremely healthy hahaha... Amazing new is I have NO cancer! I have polyps and other tumor like junk in my uterus lining that is benign! So I am going to have to be on a medication for 10 days that will completely shred my whole uterine lining and tumors and reboot everything in there. I guess the problem was over a long period of time (3 years!!) large amounts of estrogen has been building up and started to create all these tumors and thickened my lining and such- which possibly if not taken care of could eventually turn into cancer... I am so extremely blessed. Gratitude overfloweth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 4, 2017

After some looking into from Oliver... He found that high levels of estrogen can cause severe anxiety or depression disorders from too much of it's hormone... It causes weight gain and irritability! and extreme emotions! HA! and basically the foods in the word of wisdom (whole wheat, grains, seeds, fruits, veggies, not much meat... meats add estrogen from the animals hormones!!!!) lower estrogen levels! Ummmm your kidding! And If I did not choose to listen to Heavenly Father's promptings about having a baby I would have never gone into the ER and eventually the possibility of it turning into cancer was great... I do not like doctors. I do not like medicine. The only reason I went to get checked out is because I thought I was having a tubal pregnancy. Other wise I would have just bleed and said, "oh its just a weird period." Weird is what I do so oh well!

I have no words to explain how I feel.... I am elated!!! My scattered puzzle pieces I feel just came together on their own. I was prompted to have a baby, not to have a baby, but to catch a problem that could've been serious! I was prompted to eat healthier and specifically the Word of Wisdom because it lowers estrogen that is a problem in my body. I have every HOPE that I just found the solution to these past 3 years. Heavenly Father doesn't always answer immediately.... it may take 3 years or more. But He does have the answers and He does know when it is best to help put the puzzle together. My testimony of the reality of Him and His Son Jesus Christ is burning. I honestly want to shout "IT'S TRUE" to everyone I see. hahaha I have felt how close they really are and how important it is to listen to what you are prompted to do. What an amazing birthday gift!

These are quotes from Elder Holland's talk Lessons from Liberty Jail that I feel like I have learned and when hard times come or continue I can always remember and try to live. I have felt and seen and experienced these things to be true....

" I testify that you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in any situation you are in. Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced.

"These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."

"Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."

 "The real test of our faith and our Christian discipleship is when things are not going smoothly. That is when we get to see what we’re made of and how strong our commitment to the gospel really is."

"I testify that the Father and the Son live and that They are close, perhaps even closest via the Holy Spirit, when we are experiencing difficult times. I testify that heaven’s kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens (see Isaiah 54:7–10; see also 3 Nephi 22:7–10). I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept."

I do not know what is to come in my future or even today... but through this crazy terrifying last few years I have come to KNOW that it doesn't matter... Because Heavenly Father KNOWS... HE GUIDES... HE'LL PROMPT... He will IN HIS TIME light our way. I have learned in a way I never thought would ever make sense! And I am so very grateful for this knowledge I have gained. So Hold thy Way... and be STILL. ...Doesn't mean it's not going to be impossible at times... But fear not!!! For tomorrow will take care of it's self!!

This picture will always remind me of these past years and the HOPE I 

will always hang on to! The picture means so much to me!!

Through Him we can finally walk on water.. no matter the storm

Hold thy Way

I was reading a talk today for my scripture study "Hold on Thy Way" by Elder Koichi Aoyagi. I have come to understand and believe more and more through my own trial what Elder Aoyagi said is undoubtedly true...

"President Henry B. Eyring stated: “The test a loving God has set before us is not to see if we can endure difficulty. It is to see if we can endure it well. We pass the test by showing that we remembered Him and the commandments He gave us.”

“Hold on thy way” is a key choice during times of trial. Turn your heart to God, especially when you face trials. Humbly obey the commandments of God. Show faith to reconcile your wishes with the will of God. Make His will Your wishes.

Heavenly Father has schooled me to temper my impatience, to develop empathy, and to comfort those who are suffering. When I realized this, my heart was filled with feelings of thankfulness toward my Heavenly Father for this trial.

Put God first, regardless of the trials you face. Love God. Have faith in Christ, and entrust yourself to Him in all things. Moroni makes the following promise to such people: “And if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ."

^{Trials can seem unfair and completely cruel... but when you step back and see what you have been shaped into from them... usually... if you are willing to see them with a humble heart... you have become something more beautiful, more kind, more compassionate, more understanding, less judgmental, and full of gratitude. I find it amazing that someone like me... imperfect and full of mistakes, can through Christ's Grace, be sculpted into perfection. He helps you to become perfected! All I have to do is give my all to him. My patience (if I have any!), trust, energy, faith, etc. Trials be they few or many will come... so I need to decide what I am going to do when they DO come. I want to... Hold on and endure it well. That doesn't mean I can't cry or feel totally lost. It does mean that I have to try again, find the good, keeping searching for which way to go, and hang on with whatever I have left to that hope that one day all will be made right.}

^{I have a excitement and a nervousness built up inside me and I am not sure which one I should trust! Usually the bad is something you never should or want to trust.. so I will go with excitement. I feel like after almost 3 years of prayer, prayers of others, trying my hardest to listen to the inspiration I receive, and trying my absolute hardest to endure this whole anxiety issue well... I finally feel like it might be slipping away. I can feel a change in me. I can think differently. I can handle things differently, I feel like I have control of my mind and body, and I can feel that awful monster like 'boulder feeling' that almost suffocated me everyday possibly leaving for good. I want to burst out in tears of shear excitement. Because what if my anxiety is gone?!!!!! But I am also so nervous and fearful that it may be like last time and come crashing back.... I felt good for a month and then with one nights sleep it came back even worse than before. It was awful and made me so discouraged and frustrated. It left me wondering what did I do wrong?? The answer is I did nothing wrong. It was just not quite time. I have made a couple choices in my life that has pushed me far beyond my comfort zone... But I know these choices I have made came from Heavenly Father directing me in what I needed to do to possibly become healed.. So I have done it to my best for almost a month and I do feel different. So I guess what I should do is not be fearful but rejoice! Rejoice for the good I feel inside now....What a blessing and relief! If it does come back then I guess I will be prepared with my choice I make now to ... HOLD ON with what I have AND ENDURE IT WELL.}

Rise Up

"There may be times in our lives when rising up and continuing on may seem beyond our own ability... Even when we think we cannot rise up, there is still hope. And sometimes we just need someone to look us in the eyes, take our hand, and say, “You can do it this!”

No one likes to fail. And we particularly don’t like it when others—especially those we love—see us fail. We all want to be respected and esteemed. We want to be champions. But we mortals do not become champions without effort and discipline or without making mistakes.

Our destiny is not determined by the number of times we stumble but by the number of times we rise up, dust ourselves off, and move forward.

Every person, young and old, has had his own personal experience with falling. Falling is what we mortals do. But as long as we are willing to rise up again and continue on the path toward the spiritual goals God has given us, we can learn something from failure and become better and happier as a result.

We acknowledge that your path will at times be difficult. But I give you this promise in the name of the Lord: rise up and follow in the footsteps of our Redeemer and Savior, and one day you will look back and be filled with eternal gratitude that you chose to trust the Atonement and its power to lift you up and give you strength."

(Talk "You can do this now" By Elder Ucthdorf)

Rainy Days

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain hitting my window... I immediately got so excited to start the day. I LOVE rain! I LOVE that cold that comes with it. I LOVE the smell it brings. I LOVE how it cleans up the earth and makes it seem so quiet and peaceful outside. I LOVE  the sound it makes. I LOVE how it makes me feel so warm and cozy inside... which makes me make my home all warm and cozy inside. Blankets come out, pajamas stay on, usually bread is made and warm soup is sipped, bubble baths happen with all Evie's rubber duckies,... and my kids always talk me in to making rich dairy free hot chocolate! I have no where to go and only time to spend with my kids and husband if he happens to be home from work. Today was just that... Paige, Evie, and I stayed in our jammies, made banana bread, read the jewel fairy book cozied up in my bed for an hour, learned and sang lullabies on our special cozy reading chairs, colored in the princess palace pets coloring book (amazingly well for a 4 and 2 year old), and watched a hawk that landed on the fence with pure excitement that he chose our house to land. I started to feel a bit sick and Paige wrapped me in a blanket and said she could be my teddy bear! Seriously!!! There is no better days then your random rainy day. It gives me a moment to just put everything I always push myself to do and get done away and say it can wait and I just lap up the quiet day of peace and warmth. These Rainy days have become my most treasured memories, safest feelings, and calming/ refreshing times.


I was thinking how the world has put Rain/storms to describe trials we go through. How if we can only stand the rain and storms then the rainbow will come and the sun will shine and then happiness and healing will happen. But I thought you know... it really doesn't have to be that why... I LOVE rain and storms so much that if I tie it to my own trials I can find a way to love those days I struggle to. I was having a conversation about the direction I am going to take with my anxiety. I have really struggled with having the courage to take medication. Not because I am embarrassed that I need it or not because I think I can do this on my own. But I found that I have never seen anyone who is on medication personally... have a positive reaction to it. People have fainted in my room from medication I was unaware they were taking for anxiety/depression, people have walked into a doctors appointment/counselors appointments and within 15 minutes... no joke... have come back out to my car with 3 other medications to take. Obviously the professional didn't really listen them and  just prescribed whatever medication just because without seeing what's going on. I have had a neighbor who was on so many different medications that scary things happened that I had to go help. The list goes on... So I feel I have become very scared of what may happen to me. I took birth control and I had so many side effects that when the doctor took me off and wanted me to come back in to try new medication... I freaked and wouldn't go. So I prayed for guidance... for help to get over my fear so I could take medication and start on the rode to becoming better maybe! I prayed for guidance on who and what I should do for my next step medication or what??


For the past little while the Word of Wisdom has popped in and out of my mind. I have thought about it randomly a lot for some strange reason and just forgot about it. But it always seemed to come back into my mind... bothering me to do something! A couple days ago I woke up thinking about it again... so I finally decided I really needed to study the Word of Wisdom found in the Doctrine and Covenants. I opened my scriptures to the next chapter I was studying and what do you know it happened to be Doctrine & Covenants 88-89 the Word of Wisdom! Coincidence??? Maybe... but I don't think so! I studied and the words gripped my heart so tightly. I got a huge feeling that this could be the direction my Father in Heaven my be sending me for my "medication" and possible healing or strength...

Doctrin and Covenants

89 1:16

1 A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—

 2 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—

 3 Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.

 4 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—

 5 That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.

 6 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.

 7 And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.

 8 And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.

 9 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.

 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—

 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.

 12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;

 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.

 14 All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;

 15 And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.

 16 All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

88:123-126

123 See that ye love one another; cease to be covetous; learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires.(give)

 124 Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.

 125 And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.

 126 Pray always, that ye may not faint, until I come. Behold, and lo, I will come quickly, and receive you unto myself. Amen.

This is the promise the Lord gives if we follow the Word of Wisdom vs. 18-21

 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;

 19 And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;

 20 And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.

 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them(be protected). Amen.

After reading this and praying I knew If I can live this way and try my best to become a person like was described in section 88 I have no need to fear... I will be okay, my family will be okay, and I will possibly be healed. I believe I can receive health, have strength, not be exhausted... beyond the normal, and I will be protected. So I am going to do this... I know things didn't happen by chance, especially when it comes from prayer and feelings of the Holy Ghost. This will be extremely difficult... I do like my treats very much after all!!... but Moderation in all things is possible. I don't know why  eating this way has to be hard... but boy will this be hard for me. This way of eating "PLEASES THE LORD" and I really want to please him. My sister Jaclyn will probably say told you so... she has really wanted our whole family to eat good whole foods and make super healthy eating choices... Her and my Mom do this so well. I also believe in Heavenly Father's promise. I believe we are lead to things for a reason...So here goes nothin!

Rainy days (trials) may be awful to some.... but that is when you gain understanding... You can put your checklist  behind you and spend time with the One who loves you most and wants to help and guide you. "Embrace" as my Mom would say, the rain, and the warmth and comfort it can bring you... so when the sun does decide to shine... your gratitude and happiness will already be flowing over!

Jaclyn

There are days where I mess up so bad and freak out so bad that I shut down completely... It seems that I am not even there at all. On one of these days after chucking a toy at my husband in front of my kids and hiding in my sons closet bawling ... for who knows hoe long then turning into a zombie.. I had no desire to pray for help. I was a bit over everything and wanted to badly to just forget about life in general. This day I have come to learn a bit more about Heavenly Father and his awareness of me and everyone. When I thought I did not deserve to be helped is when I so lovingly received his help through my sister Jaclyn. She sent me a text asking if I was up for painting/drawing a picture for this talk.... bread! I honestly when I read that text wanted to yell NO .... I just want to be in my hole and be done. She told me to look at an email she sent me. So feeling bad about my attitude I read her email that linked me to this talk (The reason she wanted me to draw bread).....

Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread
By Elder D. Todd Christofferson 

Elder D. Todd Christofferson

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

CES Fireside for Young Adults • January 9, 2011 • Brigham Young University

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We older adults, including parents and Church leaders and professors and friends, often admonish you to plan for the future. We encourage you to pursue education and vocational training as preparation for life in the years ahead. We urge you to lay a foundation for marriage and family and to act on those plans. We caution you to think of possible consequences down the road when making decisions about what you do today (for example, what you put on the Internet). We counsel you to think about how you will measure success in your life and then to establish the patterns and practices that will lead to that success.

All of this expresses a wise and prudent course in life, and in what I say tonight, I do not minimize in any way the importance of thinking and planning ahead. Thoughtful planning and preparation are key to a rewarding future, but we do not live in the future—we live in the present. It is day by day that we work out our plans for the future; it is day by day that we achieve our goals. It is one day at a time that we raise and nurture our families. It is one day at a time that we overcome imperfections. We endure in faith to the end one day at a time. It is the accumulation of many days well-lived that adds up to a full life and a saintly person. And so I would like to talk to you about living well day by day.

Look to God for What Is Needed Each Day

In Luke it is recorded that one of His disciples asked Jesus, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples” (Luke 11:1). Jesus then gave a pattern for prayer that has become known as the Lord’s Prayer. The same is recorded in Matthew as part of the Sermon on the Mount (see Matthew 6:9–13).

Included in the Lord’s Prayer is the petition “Give us this day our daily bread” (Matthew 6:11) or “Give us day by day our daily bread” (Luke 11:3). I believe that we would all readily acknowledge that we have needs each day that we want our Heavenly Father’s help in dealing with. For some, on some days, it is quite literally bread—that is, the food needed to sustain life that day. It could also be spiritual and physical strength to deal with one more day of chronic illness or a painfully slow rehabilitation. In other cases it may be less tangible needs, such as things related to one’s obligations or activities in that day—teaching a lesson or taking a test, for example.

Jesus is teaching us, His disciples, that we should look to God each day for the bread—the help and sustenance—we require in that particular day. This is consistent with the counsel to “pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul” (2 Nephi 32:9).

The Lord’s invitation to seek our daily bread at our Heavenly Father’s hand speaks of a loving God, aware of even the small, daily needs of His children and anxious to assist them, one by one. He is saying that we can ask in faith of that Being “that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given” (James 1:5). That is, of course, tremendously reassuring, but there is something at work here that is more significant than just help in getting by day to day. As we seek and receive divine bread daily, our faith and trust in God and His Son grow.

Looking to God Daily for Our Needs Nurtures Faith

You will remember the great exodus of the tribes of Israel from Egypt and the 40 years in the wilderness before entering their promised land. This massive host of well over a million people had to be fed. Certainly that number in one location could not long subsist on hunting game, and their seminomadic lifestyle at the time was not conducive to raising crops or livestock in any sufficient quantity. Jehovah solved the challenge by miraculously providing their daily bread from heaven—manna. This small edible substance which appeared on the ground each morning was something quite new and unknown. The name manna, in fact, was derived from words meaning “What is it?” Through Moses, the Lord instructed the people to gather enough each day for that day, except on the day before the Sabbath, when they were to gather enough for two days.

At the beginning, despite Moses’s specific instructions, some tried to gather more than enough for one day and store the balance:

“And Moses said, Let no man leave of it till the morning.

“Notwithstanding they hearkened not unto Moses; but some of them left of it until the morning, and it bred worms, and stank” (Exodus 16:19–20).

As promised, however, when they gathered twice the normal daily quantity of manna on the sixth day, it did not spoil:

“And they laid it up till the morning, as Moses bade: and it did not stink, neither was there any worm therein.

“And Moses said, Eat that to day; for to day is a sabbath unto the Lord: to day ye shall not find it in the field.

“Six days ye shall gather it; but on the seventh day, which is the sabbath, in it there shall be none” (Exodus 16:24–26).

Again, however, some could not believe without seeing, and they went looking to gather manna on the Sabbath.

“And the Lord said unto Moses, How long refuse ye to keep my commandments and my laws?

“See, for that the Lord hath given you the sabbath, therefore he giveth you on the sixth day the bread of two days; abide ye every man in his place, let no man go out of his place on the seventh day” (Exodus 16:28–29).

It seems that even in ancient times, as today, there were some people who couldn’t resist shopping on the Sabbath.

By providing a daily sustenance, one day at a time, Jehovah was trying to teach faith to a nation that over a period of some 400 years had lost much of the faith of their fathers. He was teaching them to trust Him, to “look unto [Him] in every thought; doubt not, fear not” (D&C 6:36). He was providing enough for one day at a time. Except for the sixth day, they could not store manna for use in any succeeding day or days. In essence, the children of Israel had to walk with Him today and trust that He would grant a sufficient amount of food for the next day on the next day, and so on. In that way He could never be too far from their minds and hearts.

We should note, by the way, that 40 years of manna was not meant to become a dole. Once the tribes of Israel were in a position to provide for themselves, they were required to do so. After they had crossed the Jordan River and were prepared to begin their conquest of Canaan, beginning at Jericho, the scripture records that “they did eat of the old corn of the land [that is, the previous year’s harvest] on the morrow after the passover. …

“And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year” (Joshua 5:11–12).

Likewise, as we plead with God for our daily bread—for help in the moment that we cannot ourselves provide—we must still be active in doing and providing that which is within our power.

Trust in the Lord—Solutions May Come over Time

Some time before I was called as a General Authority, I faced a personal economic challenge that persisted for several years. It did not come about as a consequence of anyone’s wrongdoing or ill will; it was just one of those things that sometimes come into our lives. It ebbed and flowed in seriousness and urgency, but it never went away completely. At times this challenge threatened the welfare of my family and me, and I thought we might be facing financial ruin. I prayed for some miraculous intervention to deliver us. Although I offered that prayer many times with great sincerity and earnest desire, the answer in the end was “No.” Finally I learned to pray as the Savior did: “Nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done” (Luke 22:42). I sought the Lord’s help with each tiny step along the way to a final resolution.

There were times when I had exhausted all my resources, when I had nowhere or no one to turn to at that moment, when there was simply no other human being I could call on to help meet the exigency before me. With no other recourse, more than once I fell down before my Heavenly Father begging in tears for His help. And He did help. Sometimes it was nothing more than a sense of peace, a feeling of assurance that things would work out. I might not see how or what the path would be, but He gave me to know that, directly or indirectly, He would open a way. Circumstances might change, a new and helpful idea might come to mind, some unanticipated income or other resource might appear at just the right time. Somehow there was a resolution.

Though I suffered then, as I look back now, I am grateful that there was not a quick solution to my problem. The fact that I was forced to turn to God for help almost daily over an extended period of years taught me truly how to pray and get answers to prayer and taught me in a very practical way to have faith in God. I came to know my Savior and my Heavenly Father in a way and to a degree that might not have happened otherwise or that might have taken me much longer to achieve. I learned that daily bread is a precious commodity. I learned that manna today can be as real as the physical manna of biblical history. I learned to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I learned to walk with Him day by day.

Work through Large Problems in Small, Daily Bites

Asking God for our daily bread, rather than our weekly, monthly, or yearly bread, is also a way to focus us on the smaller, more manageable bits of a problem. To deal with something very big, we may need to work at it in small, daily bites. Sometimes all we can handle is one day (or even just part of one day) at a time. Let me give you a nonscriptural example.

A book I read recently, titled Lone Survivor, recounts the tragic story of a four-man team of U.S. Navy SEALs on a covert mission in a remote sector of Afghanistan five and one-half years ago. When they were inadvertently discovered by shepherds—two men and a boy—these specially trained Navy servicemen had a choice either to kill the two or let them go, knowing that if they let them live they would disclose the team’s location and they would be attacked immediately by al Qaeda and Taliban forces. Nevertheless, they let the innocent shepherds go, and in the firefight that followed, only the author, Marcus Luttrell, survived against well over 100 attackers.

In his book, Luttrell recounts the extreme training and endurance required for one to qualify as a SEAL in the U.S. Navy. In Luttrell’s training group, for example, of the 164 men who began, only 32 managed to complete the course. They endured weeks of near-constant physical exertion, in and out of cold ocean water, swimming, paddling and carrying inflatable boats, running in sand, doing hundreds of push-ups a day, carrying logs through obstacle courses, and so forth. They were in a near-perpetual state of exhaustion.

I was impressed by something a senior officer said to the group as they began the final and most demanding phase of their training.

“First of all,” he said, “I do not want you to give in to the pressure of the moment. Whenever you’re hurting bad, just hang in there. Finish the day. Then, if you’re still feeling bad, think about it long and hard before you decide to quit. Second, take it one day at a time. One [phase] at a time.

“Don’t let your thoughts run away with you, don’t start planning to bail out because you’re worried about the future and how much you can take. Don’t look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day, and there’s a wonderful career ahead of you.” ¹

Generally it is good to try to anticipate what is coming and prepare to deal with it. At times, however, this captain’s counsel is wise: “Take it one day at a time. … Don’t look ahead to the pain. Just get through the day.” To worry about what is or may be coming can be debilitating. It can paralyze us and make us quit.

In the 1950s my mother survived radical cancer surgery, but difficult as that was, the surgery was followed with dozens of painful radiation treatments in what would now be considered rather primitive medical conditions. She recalls that her mother taught her something during that time that has helped her ever since: “I was so sick and weak, and I said to her one day, ‘Oh, Mother, I can’t stand having 16 more of those treatments.’ She said, ‘Can you go today?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Well, honey, that’s all you have to do today.’ It has helped me many times when I remember to take one day or one thing at a time.”

The Spirit can guide us when to look ahead and when we should just deal with this one day, with this one moment. If we ask, the Lord will let us know through the Holy Ghost when it may be appropriate for us to apply in our lives the commandment He gave His ancient Apostles: “Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient is the day unto the evil thereof” (3 Nephi 13:34; see also Matthew 6:34).

God’s “Daily Bread” Is Needed in Reaching Our Potential

I have suggested that asking for and receiving daily bread at God’s hand plays a vital part in learning to trust God and in enduring life’s challenges. We also need a daily portion of divine bread to become what we must become. To repent, improve, and eventually reach “the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ” (Ephesians 4:13), as Paul expressed it, is a step-by-step process. Incorporating new and wholesome habits into our character or overcoming bad habits or addictions most often means an effort today followed by another tomorrow, and then another, perhaps for many days, even months and years, until victory is achieved. But we can do it because we can appeal to God for our daily bread, for the help we need each day.

This is the season of New Year’s resolutions, and I would like to quote to you the words of President N. Eldon Tanner, formerly a counselor in the First Presidency: “As we reflect on the value of resolving to do better, let us determine to discipline ourselves to carefully select the resolutions we make, to consider the purpose for making them, and finally, to make commitments for keeping them and not letting any obstacle stop us. Let us remind ourselves at the beginning of each day that we can keep a resolution just for that day. As we do this it gets easier and easier until it becomes a habit.” ²

A little over a year ago, Elder David A. Bednar spoke about consistency in simple daily practices such as family prayer, scripture study, and home evenings as being crucial in building successful families. Consistent effort in seemingly small, daily steps is a key principle in achieving any great work, including progress in the pathway of discipleship. As an object lesson, Elder Bednar compared daily acts to individual brushstrokes in a painting that together, over time, produce a work of art. He said:

“In my office is a beautiful painting of a wheat field. The painting is a vast collection of individual brushstrokes—none of which in isolation is very interesting or impressive. In fact, if you stand close to the canvas, all you can see is a mass of seemingly unrelated and unattractive streaks of yellow and gold and brown paint. However, as you gradually move away from the canvas, all of the individual brushstrokes combine together and produce a magnificent landscape of a wheat field. …

“… Just as the yellow and gold and brown strokes of paint complement each other and produce an impressive masterpiece, so our consistency in doing seemingly small things can lead to significant spiritual results. ‘Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great’ (D&C 64:33).” ³

President Ezra Taft Benson, speaking of repentance, gave this counsel:

“We must be careful, as we seek to become more and more [Christlike], that we do not become discouraged and lose hope. Becoming Christlike is a lifetime pursuit and very often involves growth and change that is slow, almost imperceptible. The scriptures record remarkable accounts of men whose lives changed dramatically, in an instant, as it were: Alma the Younger, Paul on the road to Damascus, Enos praying far into the night, King Lamoni. Such astonishing examples of the power to change even those steeped in sin give confidence that the Atonement can reach even those deepest in despair.

“But we must be cautious as we discuss these remarkable examples. Though they are real and powerful, they are the exception more than the rule. For every Paul, for every Enos, and for every King Lamoni, there are hundreds and thousands of people who find the process of repentance much more subtle, much more imperceptible. Day by day they move closer to the Lord, little realizing they are building a godlike life. They live quiet lives of goodness, service, and commitment. …

“We must not lose hope. Hope is an anchor to the souls of men. Satan would have us cast away that anchor. In this way he can bring discouragement and surrender. But we must not lose hope. The Lord is pleased with every effort, even the tiny, daily ones in which we strive to be more like Him.” ⁴

Seek the Lord’s Help in Serving Others

Remember that we should not only be looking inward when we seek a daily measure of divine bread. If we are to become more like the Master, He who came “not to be ministered unto, but to minister” (Mark 10:45), we will seek His help in being of service to our fellowman day by day.

President Thomas S. Monson lives this principle better than anyone I know. There is ever present in his heart a prayer that God will reveal needs and means for him to assist those around him in any given day or moment of the day. One example from his time as a bishop illustrates the fact that sometimes even a little effort may, with the workings of the Spirit, yield remarkable fruit. I quote from Heidi Swinton’s biography of President Monson, To the Rescue:

“One to whom [President Monson] reached out was Harold Gallacher. His wife and children were active in the Church, but not Harold. His daughter Sharon had asked Bishop Monson if he would ‘do something’ to bring her father back into activity. As a bishop, he felt prompted one day to call on Harold. It was a hot summer’s day when he knocked on Harold’s screen door. The bishop could see Harold sitting in his chair, smoking a cigarette and reading the newspaper. ‘Who is it?’ Harold asked sullenly, without looking up.

“‘Your bishop,’ Tom replied. ‘I’ve come to get acquainted and to urge your attendance with your family at our meetings.’

“‘No, I’m too busy,’ came the disdainful response. He never looked up. Tom thanked him for listening and departed the doorstep. The family moved without Harold ever attending services.

“Years later, a Brother Gallacher phoned the office of Elder Thomas S. Monson and asked to make an appointment to see him.

“‘Ask him if his name is Harold G. Gallacher,’ Elder Monson told his secretary, ‘and if he lived at 55 Vissing Place and had a daughter named Sharon.’ When the secretary did, Harold was startled that Elder Monson remembered such details. When the two met some time later, they embraced. Harold said, ‘I’ve come to apologize for not getting out of my chair and letting you in the door that summer day long years ago.’ Elder Monson asked him if he were active in the Church. With a wry smile, Harold replied: ‘I’m now second counselor in my ward bishopric. Your invitation to come out to church, and my negative response, so haunted me that I determined to do something about it.’” ⁵

Daily Choices Have Eternal Consequences

Thinking of our daily bread keeps us aware of the details of our lives, of the significance of the small things that occupy our days. Experience teaches that in a marriage, for example, a steady stream of simple kindnesses, help, and attention do much more to keep love alive and nurture the relationship than an occasional grand or expensive gesture. That is not to say, brethren—you who are married—that your wife wouldn’t appreciate something new and really nice to wear or occasionally some other gift that expresses, with an exclamation point, how you feel about her (within the parameters, of course, of your miserable budget). It’s just that a constant, daily expression of affection, in both words and actions, is far more meaningful in the long run.

Likewise, in daily choices we may prevent certain insidious influences from entering our lives and becoming part of what we are. In an informal discussion that Elder Neal A. Maxwell and I had some years ago with a priesthood leader in a stake conference setting, we observed that one can avoid most pornography and pornographic images just by making good choices. For the most part it is simply a matter of self-discipline not to go where pornography is likely to be found—physically or in cyberspace. We acknowledged, nevertheless, that because it is so tragically pervasive, pornography could assault a person minding his own business quite by surprise. “Yes,” observed Elder Maxwell, “but he can immediately reject it. He does not have to invite it to come in and offer it a chair to sit down.” So with other influences and habits—slovenly appearance, carelessness in conduct, abusive and profane language, unkind criticism, procrastination, and so on—our attention each day to avoiding the very beginnings of such things can protect us from awakening some future day to the realization that because of inattentiveness, some evil or weakness has taken root in our soul.

In reality, there aren’t very many things in a day that are totally without significance. Even the mundane and repetitious can be tiny but significant building blocks that in time establish the discipline and character and order needed to realize our plans and dreams. Therefore, as you ask in prayer for your daily bread, consider thoughtfully your needs—both what you may lack and what you must protect against. As you retire to bed, think about the successes and failures of the day and what will make the next day a little better. And thank your Heavenly Father for the manna He has placed along your path that sustained you through the day. Your reflections will increase your faith in Him as you see His hand helping you to endure some things and to change others. You will be able to rejoice in one more day, one more step toward eternal life.

Jesus Christ Is the Bread of Life

Above all, remember that we have Him of whom manna was a type and symbol, the very Bread of Life, the Redeemer.

“And Jesus said unto them, I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst. …

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.

“I am that bread of life.

“Your fathers did eat manna in the wilderness, and are dead.

“This is the bread which cometh down from heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die.

“I am the living bread which came down from heaven: if any man eat of this bread, he shall live for ever: and the bread that I will give is my flesh, which I will give for the life of the world” (John 6:35, 47–51).

I bear you my witness of the living reality of the Bread of Life, Jesus Christ, and of the infinite power and reach of His Atonement. Ultimately, it is His Atonement, His grace, that is our daily bread. We should seek Him daily, to do His will each day, to become one with Him as He is one with the Father (see John 17:20–23). I bless you that as you seek it from Him, your Heavenly Father will grant you your daily bread, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


My thoughts are everywhere.... Can I do this today??? (like the mother asked her daughter who was having to go through cancer treatments) I CAN DO THIS TODAY. I don't have to worry about tomorrow and what may come... I just have to be in the moment and fight for today. I think I asked myself Can you do this today??? about a million times and I always answered yes. Christ is the Bread of life- if I come unto him I will not hunger and I will be taken care of. I need not worry! He can give me strength to answer Yes I can do this today. Jaclyn said she prayed for guidance on what to study and felt I needed this... I am ever grateful she followed her prompting. Painting this picture for her will have such deep meaning for me now... Every time I see it I will remember who gives life, who takes care of His children, who to always depend on, and who to trust when I do not trust myself. Thank you Jaclyn.