Friday, October 28, 2016

Moving on...

"When lonely, cold, and hard times come... He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep...He and the Angels of Heaven weep with us." -Elder Holland-

I REALLY struggled at first, I was convinced Heavenly Father was there but was to busy to care. I felt like being how I was... I somehow didn't deserve to be healed or made whole. Maybe that is why I felt all alone or maybe that is why he didn't want to heal me. I remember pleading to just be able to breathe normal. There where prayers that were just crying... well more like sobbing- I couldn't even speak. I just prayed He would know my heart. Sometimes I would plead to just feel... feel something good... feel some kind of approval from Him. This video.... made me understand my relationship with my Father in Heaven more ...

Jesus Christ was a perfect, kind, good, beautiful individual. He never did anything to disappoint his Father. He only did his will. But yet the Father allowed him to go through so much more sorrow, pain, anger, etc. then I can even imagine possible. Jesus Christ plead with his Father...

Luke 22:42-44
 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
 44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.

Christ knowing full well the power of our Father in Heaven- plead to have his pain taken away. But yet our Father did not remove it from him. Not because he did not love Christ. Not because He wanted Christ to feel alone. Not because He didn't care.But because He loved us all and knew this was the only way for us to come back. I am positive Our Father in Heaven wept and wept deeply in pain to see his Son have to go through what He so willing did. I know that when I suffer what is hard for me I know he cares and probably a lot of people up there weep with me. I know as Christ was sent an Angel to strengthen Him I have had Angels to strengthen me. He will not leave us comfortless. We just have to open our eyes and see what He has sent each day.

I came to understand I was not being punished with anxiety for something I did. I am not a bad person. I did nothing wrong. For some reason, I have been given this trial maybe because it is the only way.... The only way I could possible understand someone else. To be there for someone else who is so alone. Maybe it's because He can't be hear to wipe away tears but I can, or maybe it's because my Heavenly Father sees something I don't. I have learned a lot about the will of the Lord. His will always turns out perfect somehow. So I have learned to let go of my angry I had that I have this trial. I have learned to trust... trust in the dark...Once I was able to let my anger for having this go I was able to pray differently. I instead ask to be strengthen and to be able to handle what comes next. Of course I still ask to be healed but I also say it's okay if I am not. The peace that came after letting that anger go was like an air tank that all of a sudden appeared on my back in the water I was drowning in. What a blessing that we are taught to let go.

Thursday, October 27, 2016


I guess the reason I am writing this blog is because throughout the last long while I have been told countless times that I need to open up and talk about how I feel. Even if I may feel like it is ridiculous! It is probably the most difficult thing for me to do. I am not sure why.... Maybe because I don't like to make people worry about more things, when it feels like there is a million other things for people to worry about. Maybe because it scares me... It scares me to hear what comes out of my mouth at times. Maybe because I have always tried to be a very happy and optimistic person and when I express myself  I feel my happy and optimistic self slip away. Or it could be that I am embarrassed and feel selfish... other people have so many sad and worse things to go through then me, and here I am worried about me.Or maybe I just want to pretend I am still Mamie... I don't want to admit that I deal with anxiety/depression.  Honestly, I was one who always felt that if you made up your mind that being happy or content was easy.... It is a choice. I was one to believe, "okay your sad.... Just don't be... be happy, easy as that!" Wow!!! was I ever wrong.

For the last 2 1/2 years, right when I got pregnant with Evie, I felt something change inside me. Like night and day difference! One day I was bubbly, happy, full of energy, and ready to take on the world. The next it was almost as if I was trapped under water and could not breathe. It was a terrifying feeling. I felt that every second I was fighting to keep myself together... Like to smile hurt! To do ordinary household jobs seemed impossible, My entire body would shake trying to just fold the laundry or put a dish in the dishwasher.The worst to me was my patience with my kids... it was gone! Even hearing their beautiful little voices would make my head pound and it felt like heat was wanting to burst out of everywhere! I wanted to just curl up in a ball and put my hands over my ears to block out these new sensations that were going on. I got mad all the time... then after I would sob and sob... because I couldn't... no matter how hard I try, I could not control my anger. I had no clue what on earth was going on. I was living at my parents house before we moved to New Mexico while Oliver was gone for a month at COT. I didn't want to say anything about how I was feeling. I was scared, I kept feeling like I may need to go to a nut house. So I kept it to myself and I would leave my parents house a lot to be alone with my kids so no one would see I was going crazy. It didn't work very well- my parents could tell something was up. I think they just thought I was missing Oliver and I wasn't handling him being gone too well. Anyways I was freaking myself out and decided to go live in our house we had in New Mexico- by myself- before Oliver came home. I packed up and left Colorado.

Anyways my pregnancy went on and I wasn't doing well. Oliver came back and I tried so hard to just be normal...Honestly I thought it was me just being weird from being pregnant. I think Oliver did too. These feelings continued and I was scared to death to say anything. I thought oh no What if someone doesn't think I am fit to be a Mom??? They will take me kids away!! I felt so irrational. Thanksgiving came and I think the entire Jones' family got sick. Some got bronchitis, some pneumonia, some stomach junk, etc. Anyways I got bronchitis and stomach junk. Nights and nights of no sleeping from non stop coughing made my anxiety bad. I was like a zombie. Then out of no where Paige got pneumonia. She was put in the hospital for almost the whole month of December. I stayed in the bathroom of the hospital all night terribly coughing and bawling because I thought I'd disturb Paige. The nurse asked me to go to the ER... where they gave me medicine that stopped my bronchitis (miracle) and medicine that would take away the pneumonia I apparently had (miracle)! Thank Heavens for a loving Heavenly Father of miracles and medicine, I was able to stay with Paige without disturbing her. The reason I share all this is because Heavenly Father strengthened me.... I have no idea how my dark feelings, anxiety, and no sleep were controlled! And I was able to deliver Evie- 2 floors down from Paige and we all came home and day from each other. My gratitude runneth over as its said and my faith grew. I knew Heavenly Father is aware of all his children, especially all my family when we really needed help!

After I brought Evie home and Paige was safe... I emotionally/physically/mentally crashed! I had nothing left...I changed. I went into a dark place. I never wanted to get out of bed. I never felt whole. I felt this feeling... that I so badly want to rip out of my skin. As crazy as this sounds I was trapped. I had a body that didn't want to move and inside I was yelling at myself to STOP IT and GET MOVING! I felt consumed with a dark something. I felt like I could not breathe. I would go into complete panic attacks by myself in my closet... shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air at times and pleading to have it stop. I hate even thinking about all this... I hate writing about it...  But my sweet kids would be knocking on the door to come in. I didn't want them to see me. So with any control I had I would say, "it's okay, mommy is ok, I will be right out''. Belle and Cash were angels... most the time they would take Paige and play with her till I could gain somewhat composure or Evie woke up. Evie saved me so many times. When the kids were at school and I hardly could function she would cry and I eagerly went to get her... just to hold her close and to know someone needed me gave me a bit of strength. My thoughts grew little out of control. I started thinking... My family deserves someone much better than me. They deserve a Mom who is not me. I wanted to and felt like I should leave and spare my kids and husband from me. I just wanted them to be happy and I felt that I couldn't provide that. One day in specific I was driving to the school to pick up Belle and Cash and I thought ... "I wish so bad someone would just hit me and it would be over...and my family could now move on and be happy without me." That thought today haunts me so bad. I know now what they mean when people say... You are your own worst enemy. I was mine. I would tear myself apart. especially when I would stay what felt like hours on the stairs or floor bawling and I would be screaming inside at myself to move. I couldn't tell anyone I was so disappointed in myself. Nothing was bad in my life, I have the best husband, best kids, we are so blessed... and here I am being this way. It disgusted me! I became the biggest fake! I was drowning! Oliver would come home and he would ask how was your day and I would say fine and do it all over again. He would always ask me what was wrong because obviously I was not myself. Finally I was talking to my sister Jenn and expressed my disapproval about myself... She said, "Mamie... you need to be nice to Mamie! Give yourself a break, I don't know what is going on, but you need to talk to Monkey and tell him everything that you won't say." For days what she said went through my head over and over. I decided I do need to talk to Oliver. I didn't want to make him sad in anyway though.

Poor Oliver just cried when I finally opened up and told him what was going on. I expressed everything. I thought I ripped his heart out. Instead of being mad he just held me. I don't remember what he said but it gave me hope that I will be okay and he needed ME, our kids needed Me and NO ONE else. From that moment I decided I was not going to let this thing beat me. I was not going to give into this. I WAS finally going to accept that I struggle with Anxiety... but Anxiety doesn't define who I am.... I do... and how I choose to deal with it! Talking about it to someone I trusted completely and knew wouldn't judge me, but would just listen, was the first step of changing the way I think about everything; myself, anxiety, faith, life. So many miracles have happened throughout these past 2 1/2 years. So many tender mercies. So many prayers answered, so many faith building experiences, even sacred moments. Yes, I still deal with anxiety. Yes, I still have many not so good days... But it is getting so much better and so much easier. I have learned so much throughout this trial and what to do to help myself get through each day I struggle. I want to share how I have been able to find happiness through sadness, strength through weakness, hope in complete despair, and courage to go on.... I no longer look at anxiety as something terrible, but more as something that has made me more. So this blog is for all my spiritual and good things that have come to push me through each day and by so making me stronger.....