Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Promptings, Confusion, and Answers!

November 14, 2016

I have a lot of fear about a decision I feel very prompted to make...My fear of this choice is extreme! Like for every reason... Mind, body, and spirit. I don't think this choice, that has been gnawing at my mind for months... since May is smart at all. Monkey and I decided that 4 children is probably it and we should be done because of my mental state and my bodies state. But when the idea/prompting won't leave your mind after much prayer... and you cry because you know #5 is suppose to be here- but you are too afraid to- but still the feelings keeps coming back... then I think it may be time to listen to someone who knows and sees far more then I do. Or at least try to figure out why these feelings keep coming.

 First off, we tired in July to have a baby and I am pretty sure but not 100% that I had a miscarriage... that was awful!!! So sad. And for some reason unusually painful... it made me feel so sick! My heart goes to anyone who has ever had a miscarriage. It really is so heart breaking. My fears sky rocket even thinking of having another baby.  My neck is messed up, my back is no better, I have spurs off my hip socket and an impinged nerve that cause a lot of hip pain, my knees are hilariously bad, and I deal with anxiety from my last pregnancy, we are moving in 5 months, and Oliver is getting a new job, new house, new state, new insurance, etc.... but yet I still can't get over these feelings of  having another baby. It for real is like pestering me! I for some reason, despite everything... and knowing full well that this will not be easy at all... and will probably be extremely painful-  I still feel we need to go for it. I feel like I am suppose too. I think I am insane! This doesn't seem to be smart at all!!! Oliver and I both feel very uncertain and uncomfortable about this whole idea...  Randomly... seriously out of the blue... I got this text from my friend... not kidding... literally right after Oliver and I had the discussion/prayer about weather or not to have another baby and asked for a strong answer...

"With all my capacity I encourage you to discover who you really are. I invite you to look beyond the daily routine of life. I urge you to discern through the Spirit your divinely given capacities. I exhort you to prayerfully make worthy choices that will lead you to realize your full potential." -Richard G. Scott-

What in the world!!!!???  that is so random to get from a friend out of the blue! Of course when the girls (Evie and Paige) went down for a nap I was by myself and really started thinking...

What is my full potential? What are my divinely given capacities? I want to know and I want to make choices that will lead me to what My Father in Heaven thinks is my full potential...

December 21, 2016

I prayed again and asked my Father to help me find what my own personal potential is? What does he want me to become? I expressed how I feel like I think it would be best not to have a baby for now and wait a year or two or maybe just be done with having kids... but for some reason I feel like I am wrong- I think it may be time to have a baby. This has happened over and over.... I asked for a clear answer because I am really struggling with this. And to be honest- I don't think I can do it.... I don't know what is to come and I don't know how smart this is. What if my anxiety gets worse and spirals out of control and I become scary again like I was? Or what if maybe... I am being prompted because maybe it is what I need to help me balance back everything that is going on in my body? I don't know... but I know He knows. As I looked for something to study I came directly to a talk all about missionaries by Richard G. Scott called, Realize your full Potential. Completely unaware as I was reading it that it was the same talk with the quote my friend gave me yesterday!!!! seriously!!! Yes this talk is all about missionaries... but these quotes really grabbed my heart,

"I will share one sure way you can begin to accomplish such growth. I have seen valiant missionaries brave icy wind, resist torrential rains, slosh through slippery, muddy streets, and conquer fear. Often they bear a powerful testimony, only to be rejected and roundly criticized. I have seen them struggle to communicate truth in a new language. Sometimes the listener stares in puzzled silence. Then there dawns the shattering realization that the message is not understood. But I wouldn’t change any of it, even if I could, because there are those golden moments of success that make all of the hardships worthwhile. Such rewards come when the Spirit touches a heart for eternal good because someone like you was there. To share truth in difficult circumstances is to treasure it more. When you push against the boundaries of experience into the twilight of the unknown, the Lord will strengthen you. The beauty of your eternal soul will begin to unfold."

"The challenges are greater now than ever. That is why the Lord needs more capable, better prepared missionaries. He needs those who are clean and pure so that they can be guided by the Spirit and can testify with converting power. Qualify to be one of those exceptional missionaries. It will not be easy. But when was anything really worthwhile easy?"

"God uses challenges that we may grow by conquering them."

I know this is not talking about being a mother or having a baby again. But I do believe Heavenly Father has so many ways He talks to us... and it is how you feel that makes it personal to you.

...Brave icy wind, resist torrential rains, slosh through slippery, muddy streets, and conquer fear... that make all of the hardships worthwhile... When you push against the boundaries of experience into the twilight of the unknown, the Lord will strengthen you. The beauty of your eternal soul will begin to unfold...challenges are greater now than ever... It will not be easy. But when was anything really worthwhile easy?...God uses challenges that we may grow by conquering them.

I have no words... I can barely see what I am typing because tears are filling my eyes. I feel lots of Peace... which I haven't for a while. Life really is walking into the unknown... and hoping for the best. I don't know what is in my future... and this whole baby thing scares me to death. Especially because when we have tried and I get a negative I get more sad or the result of my monthly gets much more worse and painful.... But somehow I have every hope that if I follow Christ and my father in Heaven it will be beautiful ending... hardships and all... when was anything really worthwhile easy?... I know I keep having the feeling to have another baby for some reason. And after reading all this made me not as scared of the pain that may come. This little spirit, if we are blessed with another baby, will be such a blessing and the source of so much happiness.... I already can't imagine life without whoever may come. Hopefully Heavenly Father can help me hold it all together! Especially when and if I get pregnant ... because I know a lot of people will not agree with the decision I make to have another baby. Some may even be scared or mad themselves... But I have to follow what I feel Heavenly Father is prompting me to do. Now We just have to see if Monkey feels the same way!!!! Oh boy!

December 22, 2016

Monkey took some time last night to figure out if this whole baby thing is right.... He said he felt so at peace and ready for a baby. But after a frustrating incident with the kids last night he got upset and frustrated that he today -doesn't know if it is the right thing to do anymore!!  He said how he is worried about being a grouch of a Dad, stressed about money, and he is worried about me.... anxiety, hip, back, neck, knees.... I think he fears I may just be crippled the rest of my life or worse. So I felt like I needed to pray and see if Heavenly Father had something that could help me really know AGAIN or to help calm Monkeys fears if this were right decision. I again came across a talk randomly... Be fruitful, Multiply, and Subdue the Earth by Elder Joseph W. Sitati...

"Our physical bodies are a blessing from God. We received them for the purposes of fulfilling Heavenly Father’s work “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.”8 The body is the means by which we can attain our divine potential."

"The body enables Heavenly Father’s obedient spirit children to experience life on earth.9 Bearing children gives other spirit children of God the opportunity to also enjoy life on earth. All who are born in mortality have the opportunity to progress and to be exalted if they obey God’s commandments."

"Faithful Latter-day Saints who understand their divine potential and rely wholeheartedly on the power available through the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ are strengthened in their natural weakness and “can do all things.”

WHAT IN THE WORLD!!!  Holy Cow this was the answer I had been looking for about my potential. I think it is so crazy that I was trying to figure out what my real potential is and Monkey is trying to figure out if he can handle another baby and BOOOOM in that last quote it answered both our questions. I love that I can speak to Heavenly Father and He will and can speak to me. I always think, "oh maybe its just a coincidence"- but no it's not! Heavenly Father does speak to us as a friends  would speak to us! He answer our most detailed questions that may seem pointless. I know He gives answers if we just speak to Him and learn of Him. I am confident that it is time to have another baby.
 Tonight Monkey and I are going to read our patriarchal blessings. I am almost 30 years old and Monkey is 31 years old..... we still have sooooooo much to offer. So much to share! It may take a toll on my body but I also believe I can be strengthened. I may be a nut job with my anxiety but I try and I try hard... so I will not give up... I will not loose hope... I can do hard things. This will be hard... if not impossible at times... a bit regretful at times haha But I can't wait to meet whoever may come! I am all giddy for the first time instead of fearful inside to hold this possible new little one. One day at a time... bad or good... one day at a time... I also am going to keep this secret for a long time so no one freaks out on me and tells me I am crazy or worries about my body or mental state... well if I am blessed to get pregnant anyways!!! I am ready to see what more this family of mine can become... well as long as Monkey is ready too.... We will see!

Doing this is a huge leap of faith for us. Complete shot in the huge unknown! I am scared out of mind but excited at the same time. hahahah crazy!!!

Later this evening..

I can't believe after much talking and praying Monkey agrees that it is time to have a baby! It must be!!! because for him to say yes through all this... it is a MIRACLE ... definitely divine direction! I guess #5 here we come!! 

January 4, 2017

So I have had a hard time with anxiety lately... one day in particular I lost my mind and even chucked some toy at Monkey while the kids were watching! Highlight of my life- let me tell you!! I am struggling and I feel like something has got to change! Anyways thoughts of regret about having a baby filled me. All day long I thought.... What on earth have we done??? I am not fit to have another baby. I felt so irresponsible for choosing this. I kept saying over and over to myself... way to go bringing another baby to a Mom who is 100% nuts!! I really doubt myself... I am so tired, overwhelmed, I have no control over my body at times or my thoughts. I don't want my family to have to endure me any worse then I already am. Whenever I don't know what to do... or when I am full of doubt... which seems like all day everyday... when I am anxiety filled I pray for guidance or peace. And what I am forever grateful for is without fail and no matter how many times I return to fear and doubt... my Father in Heaven sends me some kind of comfort or answers. Even when I don't ask directly or even when I have a bad attitude like whatever!! Heavenly Father is probably sick of me and hearing my constant prayers for help. But it's like He knows I feel bad praying to Him... and even more amazing he knows exactly what I need and somehow gets it to me. I was cleaning with music on Pandora in playing in the background. I got a distinct feeling to stop, sit down, and listen to this particular song that came next... So I sat down and listened. The song was by Bethany Dillon called You're the best song...

You need me so here I am, In the long hard days there is beauty, I am tired now but you are worth EVERY sleepless night, you are worth it all... I pray you'll hear Jesus when you're older, I remember when you were just a heart beat but now our eyes meet and forever isn't long enough to love you....

I have never heard this song. This song tells  how this sweet baby will hopefully one day be a huge servant to the Lord "Confessing His name" I felt such peace and again reassurance that someone is suppose to come no matter my fears. Days passed and I took confidence that okay if I am pregnant- it's suppose to be. But that did not stop my fear of upcoming trials that may come. I talked to my Mom not about the baby but being nervous about my future and how I am sad putting my family through all this that I go through. She told me that Heavenly Father is going to guide me to what will heal me. For the past little while the Word of Wisdom has popped in and out of my mind. Pestering feeling again. I have thought about The Word of Wisdom a lot recently. But never read about it or anything. Today I woke up thinking about it, feeling like I needed to read about it. So I said I would after I read where I was in the Doctrine in Covenants. I I got up, picked up my scriptures, opened to where I left off, and what do you know... The sections of the Word of Wisdom where next. Hahaha it's crazy! I really studied Doctrine & Covenants 88-89  and I got a huge feeling that this could be the direction I need to go for my situation.

89 1:16
A Word of Wisdom, for the benefit of the council of high priests, assembled in Kirtland, and the church, and also the saints in Zion—
 To be sent greeting; not by commandment or constraint, but by revelation and the word of wisdom, showing forth the order and will of God in the temporal salvation of all saints in the last days—
 Given for a principle with promise, adapted to the capacity of the weak and the weakest of all saints, who are or can be called saints.
 Behold, verily, thus saith the Lord unto you: In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forewarn you, by giving unto you this word of wisdom by revelation—
 That inasmuch as any man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good, neither meet in the sight of your Father, only in assembling yourselves together to offer up your sacraments before him.
 And, behold, this should be wine, yea, pure wine of the grape of the vine, of your own make.
 And, again, strong drinks are not for the belly, but for the washing of your bodies.
 And again, tobacco is not for the body, neither for the belly, and is not good for man, but is an herb for bruises and all sick cattle, to be used with judgment and skill.
 And again, hot drinks are not for the body or belly.
 10 And again, verily I say unto you, all wholesome herbs God hath ordained for the constitution, nature, and use of man—
 11 Every herb in the season thereof, and every fruit in the season thereof; all these to be used with prudence and thanksgiving.
 12 Yea, flesh also of beasts and of the fowls of the air, I, the Lord, have ordained for the use of man with thanksgiving; nevertheless they are to be used sparingly;
 13 And it is pleasing unto me that they should not be used, only in times of winter, or of cold, or famine.
 14 All grain is ordained for the use of man and of beasts, to be the staff of life, not only for man but for the beasts of the field, and the fowls of heaven, and all wild animals that run or creep on the earth;
 15 And these hath God made for the use of man only in times of famine and excess of hunger.
 16 All grain is good for the food of man; as also the fruit of the vine; that which yieldeth fruit, whether in the ground or above the ground—

123 See that ye love one another; cease to be covetous; learn to impart one to another as the gospel requires.(give)
 124 Cease to be idle; cease to be unclean; cease to find fault one with another; cease to sleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be invigorated.
 125 And above all things, clothe yourselves with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.
 126 Pray always, that ye may not faint, until I come. Behold, and lo, I will come quickly, and receive you unto myself. Amen.

This is the promise the Lord gives if we follow the Word of Wisdom vs. 18-21

 18 And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones;
 19 And shall find wisdom and great treasures of knowledge, even hidden treasures;
 20 And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint.
 21 And I, the Lord, give unto them a promise, that the destroying angel shall pass by them, as the children of Israel, and not slay them(be protected). Amen.
January 30, 2017

So I went to the OBYGN Friday and I the doctor said she I may need a biopsy.... So today after a very long 1 hour long opened legged ultrasound and biopsy...ewwwww and ouccccch!!! I still don't have answers to what may be going on. I have to wait till Thursday for results. My thoughts are everywhere. I only have 2 options I have cancer or I have something that is leading to cancer. I can't really grasp what is going on.It seems so unreal!! I am confused why on earth I was inspired to have a baby and to be strict on the Word of wisdom diet... Because now there is no way I can have a baby now. I am bleeding so bad and clots the size of golf balls that a baby is far from reality or I may even have to have an hysterectomy. I can't even think that way because I honestly would be more devastated not to have a baby then I would if I have cancer... So I am in a bit of denial and confused about my promptings.... So many puzzle pieces of my life have been dumped all over the place. And I have no idea how to begin to put it back together! Poor Oliver- I think he has had it emotionally. So lots of prayers for him and I guess hold it steady and wait till Thursday.

February 2, 2017
WELL... All my blood work came back again and and again I am extremely healthy hahaha... Amazing new is I have NO cancer! I have polyps and other tumor like junk in my uterus lining that is benign! So I am going to have to be on a medication for 10 days that will completely shred my whole uterine lining and tumors and reboot everything in there. I guess the problem was over a long period of time (3 years!!) large amounts of estrogen has been building up and started to create all these tumors and thickened my lining and such- which possibly if not taken care of could eventually turn into cancer... I am so extremely blessed. Gratitude overfloweth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

February 4, 2017

After some looking into from Oliver... He found that high levels of estrogen can cause severe anxiety or depression disorders from too much of it's hormone... It causes weight gain and irritability! and extreme emotions! HA! and basically the foods in the word of wisdom (whole wheat, grains, seeds, fruits, veggies, not much meat... meats add estrogen from the animals hormones!!!!) lower estrogen levels! Ummmm your kidding! And If I did not choose to listen to Heavenly Father's promptings about having a baby I would have never gone into the ER and eventually the possibility of it turning into cancer was great... I do not like doctors. I do not like medicine. The only reason I went to get checked out is because I thought I was having a tubal pregnancy. Other wise I would have just bleed and said, "oh its just a weird period." Weird is what I do so oh well!

I have no words to explain how I feel.... I am elated!!! My scattered puzzle pieces I feel just came together on their own. I was prompted to have a baby, not to have a baby, but to catch a problem that could've been serious! I was prompted to eat healthier and specifically the Word of Wisdom because it lowers estrogen that is a problem in my body. I have every HOPE that I just found the solution to these past 3 years. Heavenly Father doesn't always answer immediately.... it may take 3 years or more. But He does have the answers and He does know when it is best to help put the puzzle together. My testimony of the reality of Him and His Son Jesus Christ is burning. I honestly want to shout "IT'S TRUE" to everyone I see. hahaha I have felt how close they really are and how important it is to listen to what you are prompted to do. What an amazing birthday gift!

These are quotes from Elder Holland's talk Lessons from Liberty Jail that I feel like I have learned and when hard times come or continue I can always remember and try to live. I have felt and seen and experienced these things to be true....

" I testify that you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in any situation you are in. Indeed, you can have sacred, revelatory, profoundly instructive experiences with the Lord in the most miserable experiences of your life—in the worst settings, while enduring the most painful injustices, when facing the most insurmountable odds and opposition you have ever faced.

"These difficult lessons teach us that man’s extremity is God’s opportunity, and if we will be humble and faithful, if we will be believing and not curse God for our problems, He can turn the unfair and inhumane and debilitating prisons of our lives into temples—or at least into a circumstance that can bring comfort and revelation, divine companionship and peace."

"Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."

 "The real test of our faith and our Christian discipleship is when things are not going smoothly. That is when we get to see what we’re made of and how strong our commitment to the gospel really is."

"I testify that the Father and the Son live and that They are close, perhaps even closest via the Holy Spirit, when we are experiencing difficult times. I testify that heaven’s kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens (see Isaiah 54:7–10; see also 3 Nephi 22:7–10). I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept."

I do not know what is to come in my future or even today... but through this crazy terrifying last few years I have come to KNOW that it doesn't matter... Because Heavenly Father KNOWS... HE GUIDES... HE'LL PROMPT... He will IN HIS TIME light our way. I have learned in a way I never thought would ever make sense! And I am so very grateful for this knowledge I have gained. So Hold thy Way... and be STILL. ...Doesn't mean it's not going to be impossible at times... But fear not!!! For tomorrow will take care of it's self!!

This picture will always remind me of these past years and the HOPE I 
will always hang on to! The picture means so much to me!!
Through Him we can finally walk on water.. no matter the storm