There are times when I feel like why on earth do I try? I try to do good, to serve, to read my scriptures, be there for my family, clean my house, get doctor help, get help for pain, etc... and it seems that no matter what I do to try to help... IT IS NEVER ENOUGH! My kids I feel are sick of me doing things for others because it cuts into their activities. I think they might feel I am choosing others over them. Which is not true. Lately without even knowing I have gotten a bit exhausted of everything and discouraged. I decided to take birth control the doctor prescribed to help balance my hormones... I got worse. I got a lot of side effects. I got super sick, I couldn't snap out of my down days at all, I was light headed, nauseous, itchy, tender... it was so crazy. So the doctor said to stop taking it and come in to be checked out. I freaked... I didn't go in. I got all scared like I am going to be put on so many different medications. For some reason that scared me. I got pretty down on myself. I kind of just shut down and didn't want to try anymore. I found that I was not trying all the uplifting things that normally help me. I would read my scriptures... maybe a chapter. Never studied them though. I honestly did not want too. I didn't want to read the words ENDURE TO THE END... or Have FAITH. Or it will all be okay. So I feel I got a bit bitter. My prayers changed a bit. I felt like I was just praying to get through a prayer cause I was suppose to. I really have felt so disconnected... and it is my own fault. I felt sorry for myself, and could feel myself slipping back into a haze where I just want to stay in bed forever. And all day everyday... for a bit I have felt that "something is not right" feeling inside me again. I can't sleep well... I wake up feeling so uneasy... almost scared or like something was forgotten and I don't know what. Or there is something important to be done and I need to get up and do it before its too late! And the crazy thing is... there is nothing forgotten or anything that needs to be done. So eventually I fall back asleep. I noticed my panic of little things has come back... Like if I am upstairs and my kids are watching tv I panic like... Oh no I am being a bad Mom. Or writing a grocery list ...my hands are completely shaking and I can hardly write and almost cry. At the check out line I am starting to do my pep talks to myself again like, "Ok Mamie one box at a time...keep going...keep grabbing boxes!" Or sounds...I wish I could just be in a room for an hour with complete silence. And thinking of the next thing I have to get done... I am back to telling myself it is ok I can do this... or I don't do the task at all. I don't think I have cleaned my bathroom for a while. There is more but I just feel sad writing it. It is more what I think to myself that kills me. I am back to just trashing who I am. .... Oliver asked last night very sincerely if I liked myself?... All I could say is yes, well I think so ... not really! No one likes me like this. Which I know is not true... but I certainly make myself believe it. I finally decided I need to snap out of this because I am headed back to a dangerous rode. I always realized how much I needed my Savior and to stop pushing him out.
I prayed... like actually prayed... and obviously said I am sorry for how I have been. And I asked if I could find something today that he wanted me to hear and learn.... I decided to really study my scripture/talk again. I got on LDS.org and clicked on a talk and for some reason I felt that this is not what I was suppose to read. so I went back to the main page and a painting caught my eye and the subtitle said Become more through his Grace. I wanted to be more than I was so I felt strongly I should click on the picture. There was a talk with this picture called The Divine Power Of Grace by Elder James J Hamula. Here is the talk:
(responded 5 days later)
Wow... exactly what I needed to hear. I felt as if Heavenly Father personally just sent me a letter in the mail to tell me exactly what he is thinking and to tell me what he needs me to know and understand for the rest of my progression on this earth. Every time I read or hear about the story of Peter walking to Christ on the water it teaches me something new each time. It has become so special to me and has helped motivate me a lot in so many different ways through theses past years.. This time Elder Hamula expressed how Peter hoped that he would get to Christ so he acted and stepped out of the boat towards Christ. Peter knew Christ was there. Once Peter was on the water his focused left Christ and set on the ragging storm around him that scared him so deeply that even though Christ was right there he still totally sank and in complete fear and panic cried out for Christ to save him. Immediately Christ reached out to help peter and reassured him he was there. Peter focused back on Christ and together they were able to make it! Peter had faith... just because he sank didn't mean his faith left. Peter allowed his fear to take over and his fear changed everything. Changed how he felt, what he thought, and at the moment what he knew. But thank Heavens for The Savior who patiently and lovingly helps our fears turn back to faith and hope.
I have really focused on my own storm lately. I know this is why I started to sink again. I have been so bitter and so angry about my problem that I honestly took my eyes off Christ and gave into the fear that there is no hope. Enough is enough.... Storms can be scary but don't have to be when I intensely focus on Christ who is right before me. That is when I feel my soul lift! Through his loving grace and no matter what I feel The Savior is ready to help me when I cry out and humble myself for His help. I have learned a lot more about service also... I have felt like I try so hard to do and help but it's never enough... I get so overwhelmed. I think that is suppose to be how its supposed to be.... The only life worth living is a life lived for others.... so when I am tired and feel like no matter what I do isn't enough.... I am wrong... it is making a difference. I may not see it because the storm may be too thick in front of my eyes but when I refocus on what is important... I can accomplish far more than I ever thought possible with his divine help. I am so grateful for this season and for Jesus Christ- He means more to me this year than ever before. Which I did not think could be possible. How my heart for real burns with love for what he did and does for me. How he helps me... when there is billions of other people... is beyond me.... but He does, I know it, I feel it, and I am ever grateful for it. And I am grateful when I finally decide to stop being stubborn and stop feeling sorry for myself because that's when I start feeling like the sun will come out tomorrow and days don't seem as heavy. I love that!
I love this song so much and has become a new favorite to listen to lately
My whole insides as cheesy as it sounds just bawls with gratitude. He really is the greatest gift one could honestly ever receive.
I have realized I am very insecure.... Insecure about sharing me and my thoughts deep down. Something happened today that has thrown me into a horrible loop. I don't think I have stopped crying since 7:30 this morning. I ended up sending this blogs address link to all my brothers and sisters. The blog link I had copied for some other use and when I went to send my family a song for some reason this blog link I copied the day before sent instead. I have never felt shear terrifying panic that bad when I saw what I had sent and could not erase. I know that seems like it is so big deal. But I went uncontrollable. This blogs purpose was for me, to get help from my experiences that I have gone through for the days I felt I couldn't do it anymore. Not to let the people I love most... see into myself and open a whole mess of stuff. I have learned today that no matter how much I try to believe that I am not crazy and no matter how much I tell myself it's okay to be like this- I truthfully don't believe it. I feel crazy... I feel out of control... I feel like I have two people inside of me and then I just feel nuts. So I know, I am suppose to let go of my pride, and say it's okay that I cry and shake and can't handle normal sounds or be around people like I use to- without totally wanting to retreat under ground or not even breathe properly... or have crazy things happen to myself I can't control... BUT how in earth am I suppose to be okay with that!!!!!? When I realized that text sent out... all of a sudden I felt like... any control I have ever had.... left... and I was left so vulnerable and left for anyone to say any comment or crack any joke they want about me for how I have been through. I have not shared this blog with anyone besides my Mom and my Husband before yesterday. I don't want to be crazy. I want to hide it away and pretend I am just Mamie and I want everyone to see Mamie not Crazy. I get it... trials are part of life and we are dealt with whatever we are dealt. I just really love to be happy, normal, positive, fun, etc.... but this trial has taken that at times all from me. It makes me so extremely frustrated and then to have it shown to people that I respect and have thought of me one way forever- makes me want to hide and never show my face.
But no matter how much I am embarrassed by this I can't help but be grateful that I have learned something today. Something that may help me become more and may even push myself to heal even more. As crazy as that may sound! Like I said in the first place, I have learned that I have not accepted anxiety... like I thought I have. I am embarrassed about it and completely insecure!. And those two things have never made anyone ever heal. So I need to come to a sound place with myself. I need to get to the place where if people knew my inner self and what I hide everyday... Then... OH WELL... I am good with it.. I am okay to have anxiety. I need to get to a place where if someone were to take this lightly and laugh at me then it would not even bother me and cause me to beat myself up for acting so ridiculous. I need to get to a place where I love myself despite my trials.
I am so grateful for people who NO matter how I am or what they have witnessed from me make me feel like I AM JUST FINE. People who make me feel like I can make it through whatever comes my way. People who listen and don't laugh. People who care that I am in darkness but don't make me feel like I am crazy- but just but help me see light. People who care!
I have also learned today what other people can do to help other people like me.... CARE.... Care and be sensitive. Care enough to understand that this problem isn't something someone can just wad up and throw in the trash and be done with. Sometimes it will not leave. Be sensitive enough to listen to whatever crazy or irrational thing someone says and leave them feeling as if they are safe with you. Safe enough so they can come out of wanting to be buried under 50 feet of snow. Sensitive enough not to joke about something so real and so terrifying.
I am grateful for tender mercies like this song today. My dear friend out of the blue sent this to me today and it was the song I tried to send my family... I know I was suppose to hear this today and to remember how My Heavenly Father knows I am still here today. And knew I was going to need this far before I did.
"My Little Prayer"
Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
And that you are really there.
Sometimes I am afraid,
And I know that's lacking faith.
But I'm beginning to understand,
That for me you have a plan.
Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you sending your son
To die so that I live
And for never giving up.
I'm learning everyday
That I won't always have my way.
But I'm beginning to understand
That for me you have a plan.
Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you hearing my prayer.
I am learning to be patient,
And that you are really there.
There are answers I'm receiving.
No, they're not always immediate.
Sometimes I have felt a feeling,
That's when I kneel down in prayer.
You show me you hear my prayer.
I'm amazed by how you care,
Cause you hear
My little prayer.
I am still trying to be patient.... and I do have fears. But how amazing it is that my Heavenly father has a plan for me.. and is patient with me as I try to scrape my way to where he wants me to be. I'll get there. I am amazed by how much he cares. I will try my hardest to be one who just cares. I will learn to love who I am and not care what anyone else thinks of me. To get there I think I need to come to learn more about who my Savior is and how he sees me- And know he does not think I am crazy and he cares and loves me so very much. In Him I can trust. I thank him everyday for angels he sent on earth to help me realize I can't be defeated no matter what unless I allow it. Which I won't. It is beyond me how something so terrible and unfair it seems push us to learn more, care more, see differently, and change. I am starting to understand why we have trials.... Which I never thought would be possible.
I have to be honest my enthusiastic attitude is a bit gone today. I have tried everything to just feel better today. I woke feeling like alright!! I can take on this day!! And since my kids are on Thanksgiving break we will have so much fun! Slowly I again started to feel my self just slip into a rut of sad, anger, noise sensitive,almost like a rock is digging in my chest that keeps getting more and more heavy. Tears just fill my eyes and stream down my face and I have no clue why or how to stop them from coming. I usually can fake it until I make it... but today I am struggling to even smile. I do keep telling myself that it is okay and thanking Heavenly Father for every little thing. I think deep down I am tired... tired of this... tired of being a Mom who just wants to sleep, a Mom who probably makes my kids feel like everything they do is wrong, or a Mom that can't even handle simple things. I am over trying... it feels like. I just want to throw in the towel and say,"FINE ANXIETY DEPRESSION or Whatever this is.... YOU win!" I am over it. I am over just being a grouch. I am not happy that I feel like this when so many other people have it so worse. Like everyone else and here I am worried about me... brother! I am mad that I think so much of me. I am mad that my life is so blessed... so incredibly blessed... but yet I am sitting against the wall sobbing with the door shut so no one can see me like this. I am mad that I can't shake this. I decided I am going to try birth control. I decided I have even faked out myself.... I kept telling myself this whole time that it's okay that I have this problem. I have even gotten myself to believe that I may be doing this to myself and I just need to stop this. I have found that I am not okay that I have this.... I don't want this. I think by accepting medication I am accepting that this has beaten me and I may have depression... Depression I won't accept. And that anxiety is too much for me to handle. I have grown up believing a saying that has always been in my home growing up, which I think I have taken too seriously I think... it says "If anyone can a Jones can" I think I have believed that I can do anything and nothing will defeat me... That is true, I can do anything, but I won't accomplish anything if I am not humble and realize I am nothing without my Heavenly Father. Getting help is not weakness and I have believed that for others. But I don't think I have believed that for myself. I need to humble myself. I am not super women. I can not do this on my own. There are days that I feel great and feel ridiculous for feeling this way- I talk myself out of help when I feel fine. But I know now I just need to allow myself help. I need to get better...if I don't... then at least I know that I did everything I could do for myself and that's good enough for me. So I will start with birth control. And if that does not help then I will just try antidepressant. This video is hard for me to listen to... but also very good to listen to...
This is everywhere... So many people... my heart breaks for each and every person who goes through this. How does this even happen? I don't know. But so many amazing people have been through this... I do not like darkness. I don't like the feeling. I don't like sadness or mental pain. But I think of my Heavenly Father having to watch me and so many millions of his children go through this... and I can't imagine the sorrow he feels and wanting to heal us. I just need to let go. Let go of my pride... I am fragile and I hate it. But I am okay. So I have not done all I can do... as much as I hate admitting I have not. The miracle of the gospel is one day like Elder Holland said My brokenness will one day be whole. That's something to endure for! Quitting is not okay.... If it wasn't for Christ atonement... no way would I be okay from day to day.... "Until that hour... May we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show compassion to one another."
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............... Today was a huge terrifying step for me.... I have not yet gone to the doctor to talk about my anxiety. I really should've gone the first year when I was really having bad thoughts and the feelings I was having that wouldn't leave day after day. But as time went on I was seeing progression and felt as if possibly I could get over this with divine help. Obviously my issue has not gone away so after a lot of urging from my husband and family members I finally went today. Holy anxiety... walking into the Doctors office! I felt as if what I was doing was unnecessary and a waste of time. My chest was caving in. I went back and I am so lucky... my doctor and nurse were very sympathetic... The both expressed how happy they were that I came. Thank Goodness because I was going to throw up. I realized my issue was getting better, but I am still not okay inside, I just have figured out ways to cope and be okay. As I was talking and trying my hardest to express my feelings, I was rubbing my hand off... for real... over and over anxiety panic rubbing my hand... I couldn't even look at him.... I almost had an anxiety attack just talking. I started to cry...I must have been quite the nutzo scene!!! My Doctor handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and that I was not crazy. I took confidence knowing that I was in a safe place. So I let it all out in what goes on in my mind and self. Which is so huge for me. I never have wanted to accept that I may be crazy or have a disorder. I felt like I wasn't nuts for the first time and that it's okay and I can be helped. My doctor listened and at the end he suggested that he wanted me to go speak with a counselor, get on birth control, get labs to test my thyroid, and go on antidepressant medicine. I felt so sad- I felt as though I was making a huge break at becoming better now I need medication???? My heart sank a bit. I have never been a fan of birth control. And I feel like I am a happy person... so antidepressant made me feel so terrible- like all my work I have done and progress I've made was for nothing. My doctor explained how antidepressant medicine is for anxiety as well- and could help boost whatever in my brain.
I have decided I am going to wait till I get my thyroid test results back then make decisions about other medications if necessary. Wow.... what a morning!!! I have to say I wish I would've done this in the beginning. I learned today that I've let fear control me for far to long. I felt like I was a little kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got caught and had to tell their parents! purely ashamed. So note for future self- It's okay to tell a professional. Find a doctor you trust completely and feel comfortable with. Don't wait even if you feel like you can handle it yourself. And medication is not evil... it can help if that's what I decide after prayer. A pit is still digging in my stomach. But a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
One thing I will take and always remember from today is what my doctor said, "You can not always choose to be happy and okay inside... but you CAN choose whether or not to be embarrassed or ashamed." I don't want to be ashamed of myself or embarrassed of myself. I have always been extremely sad through this that I am not who I use to be... But today made me realize that I am still me... but just handling a bit extra. So I am more than I use to be. I am more! That makes me feel good. That makes me feel like what I did today was worth it just to learn that. I have learned not to be afraid to get help. I ultimately have the say in what treatment I use for myself. So getting help will just give me those options for me to think and pray about. Nothing is final. And that makeS me feel proud that I finally did it.
Wide eyes and open mouths were all that were going on last night while the whole country voted Donald Trump as our new President of the United States. Honest it is hard not to think this is a bad April Fools joke. Lots of my thoughts have been directed towards who to vote for. I did not feel right about either candidate... Hilary Clinton or Trump. After much prayer I decided I can not vote for either. Through my sister Jaclyn I found another person Evan McMullin who I believed would have made a great president. Talking to people everyone said the same thing...internet people where posting the same thing.... that they will not vote Clinton or Trump. But as it came to it, I think fear took over and Trump became president.
What does this have to do with anxiety??? Life is worrisome. Life is full of fear. Which causes me much anxiety at times!!! My husband is in the military and how Trump wants to handle this war with isis and how he says he can get our troops to do anything. Freaked me out. I understand he can lower taxes, better health care, freedom of religion, etc... but how he wants to handle Muslims and War scared a lot. I am on a base and I see how war affects families here. I see Moms and kids crying and alone while their husbands and Dads are fighting to protect us. I stand everyday at 4:30pm with my hand over my heart remembering all those who fight. I see how some people have to speak with therapists from trauma of killing people or even the sound of bombs that scare them. Everyday I am surrounded by beautiful people in uniform willing to give their lives if necessary. So hearing what Trump wants to do and how his attitude of getting our military to do what he wants because he is Trump. Disturbed me and has made me feel sick and full of anxiety. It's hard because I share all these tips on what helps me get through things and when I feel buried by the feelings I have it's a fight to even do one of them. I tried talking to people yesterday about how I feel and it didn't go so well. I feel embarrassed how I reacted. Everyone kept telling me that everything is in the Lords hands and it will all be okay. I do know that- I believe that. But I think I just wanted someone to say It is scary... you have every reason to worry about your friends or husband in the military. Even if it sounds ridiculous. But also tell me it's ok to be scared... it is okay how you feel. I understand why you'd be upset Trump is president. I will be just fine, My husband and military friends will be just fine.... No matter what happens. But that doesn't erase how I feel. I have learned something after my sister Jaclyn wrote this about her feelings on the election:
"I have so many thoughts today. I was glued to the election coverage in
complete disbelief. Blake kept asking me to turn it off but I couldn't.
My mind was racing with all of the repercussions of this election. I
have determined in my mind that all I can do is teach my children the
importance of balance, opposition, and that one side isn't 100% right
all the time. People make mistakes, there are flaws in the fabric, and
we would be wise to learn from those who are different from us. To my
sons- Be true to yourself. I have had the privilege of being your mother
and watching you as you discover the world. It will be disappointing
but you are capable and confident beings sent to our home to teach us
the greater things. I want you to know that you should never degrade
women. Men and women are powerful and glorious together. You should
never find yourself in the serious company of a woman who degrades
herself and others in any manner, through her speech, or behavior. If
she thinks that is the correct way women should be treated, she's very
wrong. Nor should you ever find yourself participating in that same way
of thinking, speech, and behavior. There are religions out there that
are beautiful and have truths embedded in their doctrines. Learn of your
Father in Heaven by seeking truth. As you seek, the spirit will help
you recognize its validity. There are races and ethnicities all over the
world that add value, vitality, and enrichment to life. Find people
that add meaning to who you are. There are people out there who seek to
do evil and exploit. They think money and power will excuse them from
their actions. The spirit that you have been given will warn you of
them, but remember everyone has a purpose as to why they do and believe
the methods they choose, so be kind. Be ambassadors of connection,
compassion, and commitment. I pray that you will have the determination
and will to live your life aligned with your inner compass. You will
have setbacks, find yourself discouraged and disappointed, and you will
have unfulfilled expectations of humanity but if you spend time with the
spirit within you and qualify yourself to receive light on a regular
basis you will be a force to be reckoned with. Life will offer you
different lenses of perspective, be prayerful in how you look through
them. Practice gratitude and look for the silver linings. I love you my
darlings. Be proud of yourselves."
We can be a force to be reckoned with! There is no need to fear... No need. What my sister said I could not agree with more. If we stay true to ourselves and be our best- it will all be okay! We will be okay. It may not be easy what we go through. But when faced with choices don't back down from what you know to be right because of fear or anxiety. We are strong and we are capable of extraordinary things... even change. So Trump is the president- I have no idea what will come... good or bad? And maybe he will even surprise me and he will be fantastic. But as my sister said said, "Be ambassadors of connection,
compassion, and commitment....to all things good. Fear is a natural thing to have. This morning I was so ashamed of myself for how I acted yesterday, fearful/anxiety filled... This quote I thought of today changed how I think of fear...
"You can't get rid of fear. It's like mother nature, you can't beat
her or outrun her. But you can get through it. You can find out what
you're made of."
I know Fear and Faith can not coincide... You can't have both. But There are two kinds of fear to me 1. Fear where you hide away and say it's too hard or 2.You are afraid and you want to hide away but you don't despite your fear. When you face each trial head on I believe we will see what we are made of... what we really can become. So yes, I have fear in the future, but that will not shake my faith or cause me to cower. I will rely on my Savior who knows the beginning to the end... and I will get through each thing placed before me with his divine help. So with my fear... I take courage in the future... not knowing which way it will go, but knowing full well which way I will go.
Sometimes It is hard to feel like I am not drowning. Drowning is a scary feeling.... but the most incredible thing is Savior walked on water....
He defeated water... I know that's a silly way to think like that. But when I feel under the water, I can see Him reaching through, pulling me out...
and eventually through conquering each fear and just believing... I too can defeat drowning... I can walk with him on water...
Everyday I pray to hear what Heavenly Father wants me to know... Without fail he tells/shows me exactly what I need to know from Him to calm down. I am ever so grateful for my Savior and Heavenly Father.
Today was a much better day! I find when I have a day where I feel completely fine and back to myself is a reminder of how grateful I am for health. Health is so important and I think sometimes by not even trying... I take health for granted. I sure have learned not to do that anymore!
I also love days like today because it reminds me how much I am getting better.HAARAY! It use to be everyday all day for a very long time. Now it is just a couple days in a row off and on. I also love days where I have gotten through the hard day because I can think of yesterday and prepare for my next down day. Hopefully I will not have another... but if it comes- I will just be ready to try to handle it better than I did before.
Guilt....... Is not my friend on my down days. I feel like my guilt really pushes me beyond what I can handle at times. I read a talk from Elder Andersen yesterday and he said something about guilt. I am going to tailor a bit to the impression I received when I read it. It said,
" Guilt is like a battery in a
gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and
power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long
journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is
guilt. I suggest that you stop feeling
guilty about any insufficiency you think you have...Rather, pray, like Alma taught, for opportunities “to stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places …This is a much stronger motivation than guilt."
After reading that I realized that feeling guilty and beating myself to a plup about everything I do wrong isn't going to get me anywhere. I will have no fuel to keep going. Possibly I may stay in the same place and never learn what will help me. So I need to learn to forgive myself and try again and allow myself to make mistakes.
I also know it is not possible to get through this without trying to understand what my triggers are and what I can do to help myself. My triggers I have learned are sounds.... TOO MUCH noise at once, lack of control, like... a house dirty, piles of laundry, kitchen messy, dinner not made, need to go to grocery store, sassy attitudes, too many things GOOD or BAD happening at once, self doubt or disappointment... things like that. Sometimes they all happen at once it feels. Sometimes I just wake up feeling that "anxiety" just inside me... for no reason at all. So I have learned to prepare.... and prepare for anything. So this is what I do...
The night before I start a new day I will have the kids things all ready... clothes picked out, what to make for breakfast and lunch planned out in my mind. With the help of my very patient husband we clean so the house is ready for me in the morning. Then in the morning I first PRAY... pray to help me to handle whatever comes my way or if I have my issue pray for strength.I make myself get up and I go. I am not a morning person. I actually dread thinking about getting up. But I get up and I may not be a pleasant as everyone would like but I have decided to just let myself be how I am in the mornings. Its okay! Then after I get the kids to school I try to workout... bike ride or in house workout. Sometimes it feels impossible and I say to myself... Do what you can... it's alright. I fill my house with piano music. PAUL CARDALL has really helped me feel the spirit or has just helped me remember I am honestly not alone. I put quotes around to encourage. I make sure I have time to study about the Savior. The more I learn of Him the more I come to understand how much I am loved. It feels so good to know I am loved by someone perfect and who knows me perfectly and thinks I am someone special. I do things that make me happy... I found a joy in painting and drawing. I am able to express my thoughts that I don't know how to verbalize out loud. I eat bagels and cream cheese a lot! And I save very very very tall glass of MILK for real bad times! I have come to find out that I do a lot better when I say, "It's okay to do what you need to do" Example... One morning I laid in bed and turned on the TV and laid there with my almost 2 year old for like 2 hours and did nothing. I previously would rip myself apart for that.... But I really needed that quiet down time with my daughter and I told myself It is okay. Allowing myself to just do what I need to survive and not be my own personal critic is so freeing. I don't have to be super women. Another thing... I am not a fan of laundry. And I gets way overwhelming for me.... I finish 5 loads and feel so happy then somehow there is 2 loads waiting for me. Frustrating... but I let go... I decided that I will have laundry everyday... and that's okay so don't worry about it anymore! So I breathe deep and I don't worry.
I have decided to get of facebook and put my phone away more because I spend too much time and I was getting mad at my kids and that is not okay with me. So I get rid of electronics on those days. I do crock pot meals in the morning so I can handle my after school times better.I even try to have after school snacks ready before they get home. I made a cd of songs that make me feel like "I can do this" ....ready in the CD player of my car. I try to fill my life with good uplifting things... When I do have full on anxiety attacks... I remove myself... and even though I am shaking and having difficulty breathing.... I repeat in my mind... You are ok... everything is ok... and I try to take deep deep breaths. Reassuring myself that I am okay and nothing is wrong -while praying. Instead of being shaking and uncontrollable all day I am able to calm down within minutes. Progress!!!!
I try to serve someone in any small or anyway I can. Service helps me direct my thoughts to somewhere good....somewhere else!!! And from doing so I have been able to see... I am not the only one praying for relief or help. There are a lot of people... a lot... who suffer from something like this or a something a lot worse. We can help each other. I have been helped myself somehow by helping someone else. This is so much easier said than done... some days all I got is a fake pushed smile at someone else. And that's okay. But I try to do more and more each time. I always feel love for those I do serve and feel a glimpse of the love my Savior has for them and me. Heavenly Father has helped me so much. He has let me know he is here everyday through songs, talks, thoughts, family members, friends, and through quiet whispering and feelings of the spirit. I crave that good feeling I get through the spirit... I feel it's the only way to become whole. Not just from this trial but in anything we face. To stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places I know will push me through- will push anyone through. Prayer has become very special to me. I find myself talking to my Heavenly Father all day it feels. When I pray I honestly can say I have come to KNOW that He hears me. And I know He Loves me.
A line in my patriarchal blessing says, "Never get discouraged, Discouragement is one of Satan's most effective tools." It brings me determination to not get discouraged. DETERMINATION INSTEAD OF DISCOURAGEMENT!! much more happy! I noticed that gratitude as I said before is huge. When I am at my worst I find myself saying out loud what I am grateful for. The sun, sky, home, birds, etc... You can't express gratitude without a smile pushing through.... IT REALLY IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE if you can actually get yourself to express gratitude.
What helps me list... in case I don't want to read all that above!
1.Pray
2. Get up and remember one thing at a time
3. Allow myself to make mistakes and forgive myself.
4. Allow myself to take a break (from everything... cleaning... life) but never allow myself to Give Up!
5. Fill life with positive spiritual things (church music, piano music, Christmas music, talks, quotes, positivity, etc)
6. Have ready happy things (CD, Bagels, Hot quiet showers, fun workout songs, monkey!!!,healthier food, chocolate or MILK... yummy dinner husband will cook haha!)
7. Say what you are grateful for constantly... or say things that could be a blessing about anxiety or maybe good things you could learn from it all
8. Pray and express gratitude... study scriptures and learn more about who the Savior is
9. serve others... even if all you have is a fake smile
10. Prepare small things that stress me out (crock pot meal in morning, clothes laid out, lunch ready... etc with help if possible)
11. get rid of distractions that are not necessary... simplify
12. Breathe Deep
13. If I go into a panic attack don't get mad or discouraged... have hope it will be ok
14. Pray
15. keep expressing gratitude in your mind, heart, or out loud.... Especially express gratitude for those who help you.
16. Pray!!
17. Keep going
18. Always tell myself that I am good enough and I am okay!
19. End the day with a prayer of gratitude
20. Always keep hope- on this earth or the one to come... we really all will be okay. Live happy
*IF NONE OF THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR ME... there are days where I couldn't move let only do all this... GET HELP.... WITH ALL OF IT. have someone tell you grateful things. Help get the milk. help you pray. Help doesn't not mean weakness.... It is strength I can have to take control
I like this song... gives me a lot of hope and makes my heart just fill full....
Days like today I would rather just hide under the covers and stay there. It feels like I would do less harm from under there. This morning was rough... I woke up completely fine and happy and after a "mean sassy" incident from one of my children I lost it completely. My daughter was crying when she rode off to school and I felt so ashamed of myself and I wanted to cry... I wanted break in half. I felt like the most low life on the planet. I could feel the "anxiety darkness" I call it start gathering in my throat. I tried to just to relax and calm down... So I got in the hot shower with no other noise and just tried to take deep breathes. I got out of the shower and took my 4 year old to preschool... very late of course. My friends who drop their kids off where standing out of the school talking still and one of them asked me if I were ok... I wanted to scream NOOOOOO, no I am not... but I said yes just trying to hold back the tears from streaming out. My other friend asked for a ride home since it was raining. When we were in the car she asked how was my morning and I didn't want to talk but BOOP it all came out. I am so glad it did. She helped me put my thoughts, feelings, emotions back together where I felt like I could start over and keep trying and that I was not the only parent in the world who messes up. I am not the only mom who looses it.
I feel like I spend a lot of my days /time crying because of the disappointment I feel in myself. I don't want to anymore, But I seem to not be able to control it very well... it just comes. I am tired of always being like this. Especially when I hear my daughter tell me, like this morning, "Ahhh Mom I don't like being around you when your like this" She must really hate being around me most days. I try not to let that make me feel sad. But I am sad. I feel like I make my family so sad through this issue I have. How I wish I had the strength to just make myself stop. I feel like I have a good day and the next day it is ripped from me and I have to fight like I am in a actual battle... but with myself and fighting to keep me normal! I am tired and I get so disappointed when I fail over and over when I feel like I actually made some ground about becoming better. But then I take a step back....Open my mind and try to see life how it really is....
So I am going to do that right now.....
Life is not mean. Life may seem unfair. BUT I can really do this.... I know I am only human. So I can make mistakes and I am going to. But just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I can't do this. Making mistakes doesn't mean I can't make it through hard times. Making mistakes and failing just means I can make it right and move on and hopefully learn from it. Satan doesn't want me to be okay with me. But that is his problem- It doesn't have to be mine. I feel like I am a roller coaster... UP AND DOWN! But I NEED to just give myself a chance! I deserve to keep going and keep trying. I am not meant to give up or give into darkness. Light is just so much more beautiful!
This really does take everything in me.... But hey we are capable of impossible things. My brother Luke said something in one of his texts about America that has stuck with me for awhile now.... "Courage and perseverance fueled an impossible victory"
Impossible victories can happen.... But you can't hide and run.... You have to step forward with courage and perseverance... That's when VICTORY is made! I may have anxiety but as cheesy as it sounds anxiety doesn't have me! So I guess now that I gave myself a pep talk hahahah I am ready for the rest of the day. I am so grateful for a Savior that gives light and lets me know everything is going to be okay no matter how many times I fail! That is exciting and very... very gracious!
Anxiety for me, in my own personal experience, got to be a bit self consuming. Everything inside felt as if it were about ME! I have come to see when you use the word "ME" a lot... it can be poisoning. By constantly thinking this is what I need can soon make a happy house a very unhappy house. Two things I will give thanks daily for that I so needed was to say SORRY and to express GRATITUDE. For everything someone did for me...big or small. Most days I was to tired or "down" to see that so many people where angels just trying to do anything to make things a bit brighter for me in any way.
I have done a lot of things I am not proud of through this. I don't know why but saying Sorry is extremely hard for me. My kids, especially Belle, has figured out that Mom is not okay most days and I have had to have very open talks explaining what is going on with me and also I have had to say I am sorry a lot. The simple forgiveness my family has for me... I feel... has softened my angry heart. The guilt I gave/give myself is extreme at times and by saying sorry and really meaning it has made me feel like I am not as horrible as I make myself seem. My sweet family has made it possible to feel like I can never be a loss cause... simply through saying sorry and by unfailing forgiveness.
Gratitude is HUGE!!! It is summer berries lathered in fresh cream! It is sweet. It can make a sour day turn into something fresh! The smiles that come when I finally made myself see how hard people were trying to help me and express gratitude... helped me feel a bit more happy. Like I finally was doing something right or making someone else feel happy. The more I expressed my gratitude for others the more happiness crept back. It's magic!
"If only we will see and appreciate it"! It sounds so easy... It's not. When I felt how I did it is hard to think of anything besides pain, hurt, and relief... But this was the best medicine for me to push myself out of my mind... it was very refreshing. Sometimes I felt I had no energy to even speak thank you... but how grateful I am for gratitude. It really does help heal... for me and for those around me- who also have struggled through all this and who I have indescribable gratitude for. I am not by any stretch of the imagination perfect at this, some days are harder than others, but I thank Heavenly Father for helping me find gratitude and when I do express my gratitude I can feel of its sweet relief!
Each morning for what felt like a year or more I would count down the hours, minutes, even seconds... till I had help or till I could get some kind of relief -that my husband could bring when he walked into the door from work. I would wake up and feel such a weight, that was so heavy, almost crushing me thinking... I CAN NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN.... Someone has to save me!!! Someone has to stop this! Someone needs to let me just stay in bed. Or dig a hole and Someone needs to bury me in it and leave me. I learned that I depended on "someone" else to save me. And I learned that thinking this way only made me sink deeper in my own misery!
This song Redeemer by Paul Cardall I think I listened to constantly. One day while listening to it I got the impression... Why am I waiting to be saved by someone else? Why do I go through the day pleading for Oliver to come home just so I can give up and not exist anymore? Why sob and plead so deeply to have someone be inspired to call, or help, or fix me?
I can do this... I can do this with the help of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I know He lives and I know prayer is real and I am heard. He can help me! So I decided I was going to live each day knowing that I CAN DO THIS EVEN IF HELP DOES NOT COME. I asked Oliver that when he comes home not to "take this" from me- but to help me through. Like as I am crying and feel my whole self about to fall, be there to hold me up and then let me go. Or while I am freaking out cleaning the kitchen, let me me clean, then be there to help me finish. When I have a complete anxiety attack- I will leave for however long.... and I will come back and I asked Oliver to continue the day as normal- but to put a loving arm around me for a second as to tell me, "I know what you are going through must be so hard for you, I love you, I am here for whatever you need, and I will never give up on you and you ARE doing it." For me living life normal felt good. Not thinking life had to change because I struggled made me happy. Living life not thinking I couldn't survive without someone else to hold me up gave me strength. Gave me hope that I will get through this- and if it never leaves- I still can get through this!
I always have to think of the Savior... because the only person that can get ME to get through this for myself is Him. The song I need thee every hour really became close to my heart.
I need thee every hour Most gracious Lord No tender voice like thine Can peace afford
I need thee oh I need thee Every hour I need thee Oh bless me now my savior I come to thee
I need thee every hour Stay thou near by Temptations loose their power When thou art nigh
I need thee oh I need thee Every hour I need thee Oh bless me now my savior I come to thee
I need thee every hour Most holy one Oh make me thine indeed Thou blessed son
I need thee oh I need thee Every hour I need thee Oh bless me now my savior I come to thee
I have learned to always and I MEAN ALWAYS keep the Savior close by me. For me that meant to fill my entire everything with good. Good uplifting things that always pointed me in the direction of the Savior. I will write about what I filled my life with in another post. It is pure strength... I could finally focus on one little thing and I could do it. After a while I could do a little more and a little more. I could feel myself believing in myself... that I can be alone inside but I truthfully am not alone. I found HELP! I had confidence that I was going to be okay even if help never came/comes!
"When lonely, cold, and hard times come... He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep...He and the Angels of Heaven weep with us." -Elder Holland-
I REALLY struggled at first, I was convinced Heavenly Father was there but was to busy to care. I felt like being how I was... I somehow didn't deserve to be healed or made whole. Maybe that is why I felt all alone or maybe that is why he didn't want to heal me. I remember pleading to just be able to breathe normal. There where prayers that were just crying... well more like sobbing- I couldn't even speak. I just prayed He would know my heart. Sometimes I would plead to just feel... feel something good... feel some kind of approval from Him. This video.... made me understand my relationship with my Father in Heaven more ...
Jesus Christ was a perfect, kind, good, beautiful individual. He never did anything to disappoint his Father. He only did his will. But yet the Father allowed him to go through so much more sorrow, pain, anger, etc. then I can even imagine possible. Jesus Christ plead with his Father...
Luke 22:42-44 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.
Christ knowing full well the power of our Father in Heaven- plead to have his pain taken away. But yet our Father did not remove it from him. Not because he did not love Christ. Not because He wanted Christ to feel alone. Not because He didn't care.But because He loved us all and knew this was the only way for us to come back. I am positive Our Father in Heaven wept and wept deeply in pain to see his Son have to go through what He so willing did. I know that when I suffer what is hard for me I know he cares and probably a lot of people up there weep with me. I know as Christ was sent an Angel to strengthen Him I have had Angels to strengthen me. He will not leave us comfortless. We just have to open our eyes and see what He has sent each day.
I came to understand I was not being punished with anxiety for something I did. I am not a bad person. I did nothing wrong. For some reason, I have been given this trial maybe because it is the only way.... The only way I could possible understand someone else. To be there for someone else who is so alone. Maybe it's because He can't be hear to wipe away tears but I can, or maybe it's because my Heavenly Father sees something I don't. I have learned a lot about the will of the Lord. His will always turns out perfect somehow. So I have learned to let go of my angry I had that I have this trial. I have learned to trust... trust in the dark...Once I was able to let my anger for having this go I was able to pray differently. I instead ask to be strengthen and to be able to handle what comes next. Of course I still ask to be healed but I also say it's okay if I am not. The peace that came after letting that anger go was like an air tank that all of a sudden appeared on my back in the water I was drowning in. What a blessing that we are taught to let go.
I guess the reason I am writing this blog is because throughout the last long while I have been told countless times that I need to open up and talk about how I feel. Even if I may feel like it is ridiculous! It is probably the most difficult thing for me to do. I am not sure why.... Maybe because I don't like to make people worry about more things, when it feels like there is a million other things for people to worry about. Maybe because it scares me... It scares me to hear what comes out of my mouth at times. Maybe because I have always tried to be a very happy and optimistic person and when I express myself I feel my happy and optimistic self slip away. Or it could be that I am embarrassed and feel selfish... other people have so many sad and worse things to go through then me, and here I am worried about me.Or maybe I just want to pretend I am still Mamie... I don't want to admit that I deal with anxiety/depression. Honestly, I was one who always felt that if you made up your mind that being happy or content was easy.... It is a choice. I was one to believe, "okay your sad.... Just don't be... be happy, easy as that!" Wow!!! was I ever wrong.
For the last 2 1/2 years, right when I got pregnant with Evie, I felt something change inside me. Like night and day difference! One day I was bubbly, happy, full of energy, and ready to take on the world. The next it was almost as if I was trapped under water and could not breathe. It was a terrifying feeling. I felt that every second I was fighting to keep myself together... Like to smile hurt! To do ordinary household jobs seemed impossible, My entire body would shake trying to just fold the laundry or put a dish in the dishwasher.The worst to me was my patience with my kids... it was gone! Even hearing their beautiful little voices would make my head pound and it felt like heat was wanting to burst out of everywhere! I wanted to just curl up in a ball and put my hands over my ears to block out these new sensations that were going on. I got mad all the time... then after I would sob and sob... because I couldn't... no matter how hard I try, I could not control my anger. I had no clue what on earth was going on. I was living at my parents house before we moved to New Mexico while Oliver was gone for a month at COT. I didn't want to say anything about how I was feeling. I was scared, I kept feeling like I may need to go to a nut house. So I kept it to myself and I would leave my parents house a lot to be alone with my kids so no one would see I was going crazy. It didn't work very well- my parents could tell something was up. I think they just thought I was missing Oliver and I wasn't handling him being gone too well. Anyways I was freaking myself out and decided to go live in our house we had in New Mexico- by myself- before Oliver came home. I packed up and left Colorado.
Anyways my pregnancy went on and I wasn't doing well. Oliver came back and I tried so hard to just be normal...Honestly I thought it was me just being weird from being pregnant. I think Oliver did too. These feelings continued and I was scared to death to say anything. I thought oh no What if someone doesn't think I am fit to be a Mom??? They will take me kids away!! I felt so irrational. Thanksgiving came and I think the entire Jones' family got sick. Some got bronchitis, some pneumonia, some stomach junk, etc. Anyways I got bronchitis and stomach junk. Nights and nights of no sleeping from non stop coughing made my anxiety bad. I was like a zombie. Then out of no where Paige got pneumonia. She was put in the hospital for almost the whole month of December. I stayed in the bathroom of the hospital all night terribly coughing and bawling because I thought I'd disturb Paige. The nurse asked me to go to the ER... where they gave me medicine that stopped my bronchitis (miracle) and medicine that would take away the pneumonia I apparently had (miracle)! Thank Heavens for a loving Heavenly Father of miracles and medicine, I was able to stay with Paige without disturbing her. The reason I share all this is because Heavenly Father strengthened me.... I have no idea how my dark feelings, anxiety, and no sleep were controlled! And I was able to deliver Evie- 2 floors down from Paige and we all came home and day from each other. My gratitude runneth over as its said and my faith grew. I knew Heavenly Father is aware of all his children, especially all my family when we really needed help!
After I brought Evie home and Paige was safe... I emotionally/physically/mentally crashed! I had nothing left...I changed. I went into a dark place. I never wanted to get out of bed. I never felt whole. I felt this feeling... that I so badly want to rip out of my skin. As crazy as this sounds I was trapped. I had a body that didn't want to move and inside I was yelling at myself to STOP IT and GET MOVING! I felt consumed with a dark something. I felt like I could not breathe. I would go into complete panic attacks by myself in my closet... shaking uncontrollably and gasping for air at times and pleading to have it stop. I hate even thinking about all this... I hate writing about it... But my sweet kids would be knocking on the door to come in. I didn't want them to see me. So with any control I had I would say, "it's okay, mommy is ok, I will be right out''. Belle and Cash were angels... most the time they would take Paige and play with her till I could gain somewhat composure or Evie woke up. Evie saved me so many times. When the kids were at school and I hardly could function she would cry and I eagerly went to get her... just to hold her close and to know someone needed me gave me a bit of strength. My thoughts grew little out of control. I started thinking... My family deserves someone much better than me. They deserve a Mom who is not me. I wanted to and felt like I should leave and spare my kids and husband from me. I just wanted them to be happy and I felt that I couldn't provide that. One day in specific I was driving to the school to pick up Belle and Cash and I thought ... "I wish so bad someone would just hit me and it would be over...and my family could now move on and be happy without me." That thought today haunts me so bad. I know now what they mean when people say... You are your own worst enemy. I was mine. I would tear myself apart. especially when I would stay what felt like hours on the stairs or floor bawling and I would be screaming inside at myself to move. I couldn't tell anyone I was so disappointed in myself. Nothing was bad in my life, I have the best husband, best kids, we are so blessed... and here I am being this way. It disgusted me! I became the biggest fake! I was drowning! Oliver would come home and he would ask how was your day and I would say fine and do it all over again. He would always ask me what was wrong because obviously I was not myself. Finally I was talking to my sister Jenn and expressed my disapproval about myself... She said, "Mamie... you need to be nice to Mamie! Give yourself a break, I don't know what is going on, but you need to talk to Monkey and tell him everything that you won't say." For days what she said went through my head over and over. I decided I do need to talk to Oliver. I didn't want to make him sad in anyway though.
Poor Oliver just cried when I finally opened up and told him what was going on. I expressed everything. I thought I ripped his heart out. Instead of being mad he just held me. I don't remember what he said but it gave me hope that I will be okay and he needed ME, our kids needed Me and NO ONE else. From that moment I decided I was not going to let this thing beat me. I was not going to give into this. I WAS finally going to accept that I struggle with Anxiety... but Anxiety doesn't define who I am.... I do... and how I choose to deal with it! Talking about it to someone I trusted completely and knew wouldn't judge me, but would just listen, was the first step of changing the way I think about everything; myself, anxiety, faith, life. So many miracles have happened throughout these past 2 1/2 years. So many tender mercies. So many prayers answered, so many faith building experiences, even sacred moments. Yes, I still deal with anxiety. Yes, I still have many not so good days... But it is getting so much better and so much easier. I have learned so much throughout this trial and what to do to help myself get through each day I struggle. I want to share how I have been able to find happiness through sadness, strength through weakness, hope in complete despair, and courage to go on.... I no longer look at anxiety as something terrible, but more as something that has made me more. So this blog is for all my spiritual and good things that have come to push me through each day and by so making me stronger.....
