Grace

There are times when I feel like why on earth do I try? I try to do good, to serve, to read my scriptures, be there for my family, clean my house, get doctor help, get help for pain, etc... and it seems that no matter what I do to try to help... IT IS NEVER ENOUGH! My kids I feel are sick of me doing things for others because it cuts into their activities. I think they might feel I am choosing others over them. Which is not true. Lately without even knowing I have gotten a bit exhausted of everything and discouraged. I decided to take birth control the doctor prescribed to help balance my hormones... I got worse. I got a lot of side effects. I got super sick, I couldn't snap out of my down days at all, I was light headed, nauseous, itchy, tender... it was so crazy. So the doctor said to stop taking it and come in to be checked out. I freaked... I didn't go in. I got all scared like I am going to be put on so many different medications. For some reason that scared me. I got pretty down on myself. I kind of just shut down and didn't want to try anymore. I found that I was not trying all the uplifting things that normally help me. I would read my scriptures... maybe a chapter. Never studied them though. I honestly did not want too. I didn't want to read the words ENDURE TO THE END... or Have FAITH. Or it will all be okay. So I feel I got a bit bitter. My prayers changed a bit. I felt like I was just praying to get through a prayer cause I was suppose to. I really have felt so disconnected... and it is my own fault. I felt sorry for myself, and could feel myself slipping back into a haze where I just want to stay in bed forever. And all day everyday... for a bit I have felt that "something is not right" feeling inside me again. I can't sleep well... I wake up feeling so uneasy... almost scared or like something was forgotten and I don't know what. Or there is something important to be done and I need to get up and do it before its too late! And the crazy thing is... there is nothing forgotten or anything that needs to be done. So eventually I fall back asleep. I noticed my panic of little things has come back... Like if I am upstairs and my kids are watching tv I panic like... Oh no I am being a bad Mom. Or writing a grocery list ...my hands are completely shaking and I can hardly write and almost cry.  At the check out line I am starting to do my pep talks to myself again like, "Ok Mamie one box at a time...keep going...keep grabbing boxes!" Or sounds...I wish I could just be in a room for an hour with complete silence. And thinking of the next thing I have to get done... I am back to telling myself it is ok I can do this... or I don't do the task at all. I don't think I have cleaned my bathroom for a while. There is more but I just feel sad writing it. It is more what I think to myself that kills me. I am back to just trashing who I am. .... Oliver asked last night very sincerely if I liked myself?... All I could say is yes, well I think so ... not really! No one likes me like this. Which I know is not true... but I certainly make myself believe it. I finally decided I need to snap out of this because I am headed back to a dangerous rode. I always realized how much I needed my Savior and to stop pushing him out.

I prayed... like actually prayed... and obviously said I am sorry for how I have been. And I asked if I could find something today that he wanted me to hear and learn.... I decided to really study my scripture/talk again. I got on LDS.org and clicked on a talk and for some reason I felt that this is not what I was suppose to read. so I went back to the main page and a painting caught my eye and the subtitle said Become more through his Grace. I wanted to be more than I was so I felt strongly I should click on the picture. There was a talk with this picture called The Divine Power Of Grace by Elder James J Hamula. Here is the talk:

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2016/12/the-divine-power-of-grace?lang=eng&_r=1&cid=HP_MO_12-12-2016_dPFD_fLHNA_xLIDyL2-4_

(responded 5 days later)
Wow... exactly what I needed to hear. I felt as if Heavenly Father personally just sent me a letter in the mail to tell me exactly what he is thinking and to tell me what he needs me to know and understand for the rest of my progression on this earth. Every time I read or hear about the story of Peter walking to Christ on the water it teaches me something new each time. It has become so special to me and has helped motivate me a lot in so many different ways through theses past years.. This time Elder Hamula expressed how Peter hoped that he would get to Christ so he acted and stepped out of the boat towards Christ. Peter knew Christ was there. Once Peter was on the water his focused left Christ and set on the ragging storm around him that scared him so deeply that even though Christ was right there he still totally sank and in complete fear and panic cried out for Christ to save him. Immediately Christ reached out to help peter and reassured him he was there. Peter focused back on Christ and together they were able to make it! Peter had faith... just because he sank didn't mean his faith left. Peter allowed his fear to take over and his fear changed everything. Changed how he felt, what he thought, and at the moment what he knew. But thank Heavens for The Savior who patiently and lovingly helps our fears turn back to faith and hope.

I have really focused on my own storm lately. I know this is why I started to sink again. I have been so bitter and so angry about my problem that I honestly took my eyes off Christ and gave into the fear that there is no hope. Enough is enough.... Storms can be scary but don't have to be when I intensely focus on Christ who is right before me. That is when I feel my soul lift! Through his loving grace and no matter what I feel The Savior is ready to help me when I cry out and humble myself for His help. I have learned a lot more about service also... I have felt like I try so hard to do and help but it's never enough... I get so overwhelmed. I think that is suppose to be how its supposed to be.... The only life worth living is a life lived for others.... so when I am tired and feel like no matter what I do isn't enough.... I am wrong... it is making a difference. I may not see it because the storm may be too thick in front of my eyes but when I refocus on what is important... I can accomplish far more than I ever thought possible with his divine help. I am so grateful for this season and for Jesus Christ- He means more to me this year than ever before. Which I did not think could be possible. How my heart for real burns with love for what he did and does for me. How he helps me... when there is billions of other people... is beyond me.... but He does, I know it, I feel it, and I am ever grateful for it. And I am grateful when I finally decide to stop being stubborn and stop feeling sorry for myself because that's when I start feeling like the sun will come out tomorrow and days don't seem as heavy. I love that!

I love this song so much and has become a new favorite to listen to lately

My whole insides as cheesy as it sounds just bawls with gratitude. He really is the greatest gift one could honestly ever receive.

Insecure

I have realized I am very insecure.... Insecure about sharing me and my thoughts deep down. Something happened today that has thrown me into a horrible loop. I don't think I have stopped crying since 7:30 this morning. I ended up sending this blogs address link to all my brothers and sisters. The blog link I had copied for some other use and when I went to send my family a song for some reason this blog link I copied the day before sent instead. I have never felt shear terrifying panic that bad when I saw what I had sent and could not erase. I know that seems like it is so big deal. But I went uncontrollable. This blogs purpose was for me, to get help from my experiences that I have gone through for the days I felt I couldn't do it anymore. Not to let the people I love most... see into myself and open a whole mess of stuff. I have learned today that no matter how much I try to believe that I am not crazy and no matter how much I tell myself it's okay to be like this- I truthfully don't believe it. I feel crazy... I feel out of control... I feel like I have two people inside of me and then I just feel nuts. So I know, I am suppose to let go of my pride, and say it's okay that I cry and shake and can't handle normal sounds or be around people like I use to- without totally wanting to retreat under ground  or not even breathe properly... or have crazy things happen to myself I can't control...  BUT how in earth am I suppose to be okay with that!!!!!? When I realized that text sent out... all of a sudden I felt like... any control I have ever had.... left... and I was left so vulnerable and left for anyone to say any comment or crack any joke they want about me for how I have been through. I have not shared this blog with anyone besides my Mom and my Husband before yesterday. I don't want to be crazy. I want to hide it away and pretend I am just Mamie and I want everyone to see Mamie not Crazy. I get it... trials are part of life and we are dealt with whatever we are dealt. I just really love to be happy, normal, positive, fun, etc.... but this trial has taken that at times all from me. It makes me so extremely frustrated and then to have it shown to people that I respect and have thought of me one way forever- makes me want to hide and never show my face.

But no matter how much I am embarrassed by this I can't help but be grateful that I have learned something today. Something that may help me become more and may even push myself to heal even more. As crazy as that may sound! Like I said in the first place, I have learned that I have not accepted anxiety... like I thought I have. I am embarrassed about it and completely insecure!. And those two things have never made anyone ever heal. So I need to come to a sound place with myself. I need to get to the place where if people knew my inner self and what I hide everyday... Then... OH WELL... I am good with it.. I am okay to have anxiety. I need to get to a place where if someone were to take this lightly and laugh at me then it would not even bother me and cause me to beat myself up for acting so ridiculous. I need to get to a place where I love myself despite my trials.

I am so grateful for people who NO matter how I am or what they have witnessed from me make me feel like I AM JUST FINE. People who make me feel like I can make it through whatever comes my way. People who listen and don't laugh. People who care that I am in darkness but don't make me feel like I am crazy- but just but help me see light. People who care!

 I have also learned today what other people can do to help other people like me.... CARE.... Care and be sensitive. Care enough to understand that this problem isn't something someone can just wad up and throw in the trash and be done with. Sometimes it will not leave. Be sensitive enough to listen to whatever crazy or irrational thing someone says and leave them feeling as if they are safe with you. Safe enough so they can come out of wanting to be buried under 50 feet of snow. Sensitive enough not to joke about something so real and so terrifying.

I am grateful for tender mercies like this song today. My dear friend out of the blue sent this to me today and it was the song I tried to send my family... I know I was suppose to hear this today and to remember how My Heavenly Father knows I am still here today. And knew I was going to need this far before I did.

"My Little Prayer"

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
And that you are really there.

Sometimes I am afraid,
And I know that's lacking faith.
But I'm beginning to understand,
That for me you have a plan.

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you sending your son
To die so that I live
And for never giving up.

I'm learning everyday
That I won't always have my way.
But I'm beginning to understand
That for me you have a plan.

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you hearing my prayer.
I am learning to be patient,
And that you are really there.

There are answers I'm receiving.
No, they're not always immediate.
Sometimes I have felt a feeling,
That's when I kneel down in prayer.

You show me you hear my prayer.
I'm amazed by how you care,

Cause you hear

My little prayer. 

I am still trying to be patient.... and I do have fears. But how amazing it is that my Heavenly father has a plan for me.. and is patient with me as I try to scrape my way to where he wants me to be. I'll get there. I am amazed by how much he cares. I will try my hardest to be one who just cares. I will learn to love who I am and not care what anyone else thinks of me. To get there I think I need to come to learn more about who my Savior is and how he sees me- And know he does not think I am crazy and he cares and loves me so very much. In Him I can trust. I thank him everyday for angels he sent on earth to help me realize I can't be defeated no matter what unless I allow it. Which I won't. It is beyond me how something so terrible and unfair it seems push us to learn more, care more, see differently, and change. I am starting to understand why we have trials.... Which I never thought would be possible.