Monday, November 21, 2016


I have to be honest my enthusiastic attitude is a bit gone today. I have tried everything to just feel better today. I woke feeling like alright!! I can take on this day!! And since my kids are on Thanksgiving break we will have so much fun! Slowly I again started to feel my self just slip into a rut of sad, anger, noise sensitive,almost like a rock is digging in my chest that keeps getting more and more heavy. Tears just fill my eyes and stream down my face and I have no clue why or how to stop them from coming.  I usually can fake it until I make it... but today I am struggling to even smile. I do keep telling myself that it is okay and thanking Heavenly Father for every little thing. I think deep down I am tired... tired of this... tired of being a Mom who just wants to sleep, a Mom who probably makes my kids feel like everything they do is wrong, or a Mom that can't even handle simple things. I am over trying... it feels like. I just want to throw in the towel and say,"FINE ANXIETY DEPRESSION or Whatever this is.... YOU win!" I am over it. I am over just being a grouch. I am not happy that I feel like this when so many other people have it so worse. Like everyone else and here I am worried about me... brother! I am mad that I think so much of me. I am mad that my life is so blessed... so incredibly blessed... but yet I am sitting against the wall sobbing with the door shut so no one can see me like this. I am mad that I can't shake this. I decided I am going to try birth control. I decided I have even faked out myself.... I kept telling myself this whole time that it's okay that I have this problem. I have even gotten myself to believe that I may be doing this to myself and I just need to stop this. I have found that I am not okay that I have this.... I don't want this. I think by accepting medication I am accepting that this has beaten me and I may have depression... Depression I won't accept. And that anxiety is too much for me to handle. I have grown up believing a saying that has always been in my home growing up, which I think I have taken too seriously I think... it says "If anyone can a Jones can" I think I have believed that I can do anything and nothing will defeat me... That is true, I can do anything, but I won't accomplish anything if I am not humble and realize I am nothing without my Heavenly Father. Getting help is not weakness and I have believed that for others. But I don't think I have believed that for myself. I need to humble myself. I am not super women. I can not do this on my own. There are days that I feel great and feel ridiculous for feeling this way- I talk myself out of help when I feel fine. But I know now I just need to allow myself help. I need to get better...if I don't... then at least I know that I did everything I could do for myself and that's good enough for me. So I will start with birth control. And if that does not help then I will just try antidepressant. This video is hard for me to listen to... but also very good to listen to...

This is everywhere... So many people... my heart breaks for each and every person who goes through this. How does this even happen? I don't know. But so many amazing people have been through this... I do not like darkness. I don't like the feeling. I don't like sadness or mental pain. But I think of my Heavenly Father having to watch me and so many millions of his children go through this... and I can't imagine the sorrow he feels and wanting to heal us. I just need to let go. Let go of my pride... I am fragile and I hate it. But I am okay. So I have not done all I can do... as much as I hate admitting I have not. The miracle of the gospel is one day like Elder Holland said My brokenness will one day be whole. That's something to endure for! Quitting is not okay.... If it wasn't for Christ atonement... no way would I be okay from day to day.... "Until that hour... May we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show compassion to one another."

Tuesday, November 15, 2016


AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............... Today was a huge terrifying step for me.... I have not yet gone to the doctor to talk about my anxiety. I really should've gone the first year when I was really having bad thoughts and the feelings I was having that wouldn't leave day after day. But as time went on I was seeing progression and felt as if possibly I could get over this with divine help. Obviously my issue has not gone away so after a lot of urging from my husband and family members I finally went today. Holy anxiety... walking into the Doctors office! I felt as if what I was doing was unnecessary and a waste of time. My chest was caving in. I went back and I am so lucky... my doctor and nurse were very sympathetic... The both expressed how happy they were that I came. Thank Goodness because I was going to throw up. I realized my issue was getting better, but I am still not okay inside, I just have figured out ways to cope and be okay. As I was talking and trying my hardest to express my feelings, I was rubbing my hand off... for real... over and over anxiety panic rubbing my hand... I couldn't even look at him.... I almost had an anxiety attack just talking. I started to cry...I must have been quite the nutzo scene!!! My Doctor handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and that I was not crazy. I took confidence knowing that I was in a safe place. So I let it all out in what goes on in my mind and self. Which is so huge for me. I never have wanted to accept that I may be crazy or have a disorder. I felt like I wasn't nuts for the first time and that it's okay and I can be helped. My doctor listened and at the end he suggested that he wanted me to go speak with a counselor, get on birth control, get labs to test my thyroid, and go on antidepressant medicine. I felt so sad- I felt as though I was making a huge break at becoming better now I need medication???? My heart sank a bit. I have never been a fan of birth control. And I feel like I am a happy person... so antidepressant made me feel so terrible- like all my work I have done and progress I've made was for nothing. My doctor explained how antidepressant medicine is for anxiety as well- and could help boost whatever in my brain.

I have decided I am going to wait till I get my thyroid test results back then make decisions about other medications if necessary. Wow.... what a morning!!! I have to say I wish I would've done this in the beginning. I learned today that I've let fear control me for far to long. I felt like I was a little kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got caught and had to tell their parents! purely ashamed. So note for future self- It's okay to tell a professional. Find a doctor you trust completely and feel comfortable with. Don't wait even if you feel like you can handle it yourself. And medication is not evil... it can help if that's what I decide after prayer. A pit is still digging in my stomach. But a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

One thing I will take and always remember from today is what my doctor said, "You can not always choose to be happy and okay inside... but you CAN choose whether or not to be embarrassed or ashamed." I don't want to be ashamed of myself or embarrassed of myself. I have always been extremely sad through this that I am not who I use to be... But today made me realize that I am still me... but just handling a bit extra. So I am more than I use to be. I am more! That makes me feel good. That makes me feel like what I did today was worth it just to learn that. I have learned not to be afraid to get help. I ultimately have the say in what treatment I use for myself. So getting help will just give me those options for me to think and pray about. Nothing is final. And that makeS me feel proud that I finally did it.

I am very grateful for this song today...

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

election day

Wide eyes and open mouths were all that were going on last night while the whole country voted Donald Trump as our new President of the United States. Honest it is hard not to think this is a bad April Fools joke. Lots of my thoughts have been directed towards who to vote for. I did not feel right about either candidate... Hilary Clinton or Trump. After much prayer I decided I can not vote for either. Through my sister Jaclyn I found another person Evan McMullin who I believed would have made a great president. Talking to people everyone said the same thing...internet people where posting the same thing.... that they will not vote Clinton or Trump. But as it came to it, I think fear took over and Trump became president.

What does this have to do with anxiety??? Life is worrisome. Life is full of fear. Which causes me much anxiety at times!!! My husband is in the military and how Trump wants to handle this war with isis and how he says he can get our troops to do anything. Freaked me out. I understand he can lower taxes, better health care, freedom of religion, etc... but how he wants to handle Muslims and War scared a lot. I am on a base and I see how war affects families here. I see Moms and kids crying and alone while their husbands and Dads are fighting to protect us. I stand everyday at 4:30pm with my hand over my heart remembering all those who fight. I see how some people have to speak with therapists from trauma of killing people or even the sound of bombs that scare them. Everyday I am surrounded by beautiful people in uniform willing to give their lives if necessary. So hearing what Trump wants to do and how his attitude of getting our military to do what he wants because he is Trump. Disturbed me and has made me feel sick and full of anxiety. It's hard because I share all these tips on what helps me get through things and when I feel buried by the feelings I have it's a fight to even do one of them. I tried talking to people yesterday about how I feel and it didn't go so well. I feel embarrassed how I reacted. Everyone kept telling me that everything is in the Lords hands and it will all be okay. I do know that- I believe that. But I think I just wanted someone to say It is scary... you have every reason to worry about your friends or husband in the military. Even if it sounds ridiculous. But also tell me it's ok to be scared... it is okay how you feel. I understand why you'd be upset Trump is president. I will be just fine, My husband and military friends will be just fine.... No matter what happens. But that doesn't erase how I feel. I have learned something after my sister Jaclyn wrote this about her feelings on the election:

 "I have so many thoughts today. I was glued to the election coverage in complete disbelief. Blake kept asking me to turn it off but I couldn't. My mind was racing with all of the repercussions of this election. I have determined in my mind that all I can do is teach my children the importance of balance, opposition, and that one side isn't 100% right all the time. People make mistakes, there are flaws in the fabric, and we would be wise to learn from those who are different from us. To my sons- Be true to yourself. I have had the privilege of being your mother and watching you as you discover the world. It will be disappointing but you are capable and confident beings sent to our home to teach us the greater things. I want you to know that you should never degrade women. Men and women are powerful and glorious together. You should never find yourself in the serious company of a woman who degrades herself and others in any manner, through her speech, or behavior. If she thinks that is the correct way women should be treated, she's very wrong. Nor should you ever find yourself participating in that same way of thinking, speech, and behavior. There are religions out there that are beautiful and have truths embedded in their doctrines. Learn of your Father in Heaven by seeking truth. As you seek, the spirit will help you recognize its validity. There are races and ethnicities all over the world that add value, vitality, and enrichment to life. Find people that add meaning to who you are. There are people out there who seek to do evil and exploit. They think money and power will excuse them from their actions. The spirit that you have been given will warn you of them, but remember everyone has a purpose as to why they do and believe the methods they choose, so be kind. Be ambassadors of connection, compassion, and commitment. I pray that you will have the determination and will to live your life aligned with your inner compass. You will have setbacks, find yourself discouraged and disappointed, and you will have unfulfilled expectations of humanity but if you spend time with the spirit within you and qualify yourself to receive light on a regular basis you will be a force to be reckoned with. Life will offer you different lenses of perspective, be prayerful in how you look through them. Practice gratitude and look for the silver linings.  I love you my darlings. Be proud of yourselves."

We can be a force to be reckoned with! There is no need to fear... No need. What my sister said I could not agree with more. If we stay true to ourselves and be our best- it will all be okay! We will be okay. It may not be easy what we go through. But when faced with choices don't back down from what you know to be right because of fear or anxiety. We are strong and we are capable of extraordinary things... even change. So Trump is the president- I have no idea what will come... good or bad? And maybe he will even surprise me and he will be fantastic. But as my sister said said, "Be ambassadors of connection, compassion, and all things good. Fear is a natural thing to have. This morning I was so ashamed of myself for how I acted yesterday, fearful/anxiety filled... This quote I thought of today changed how I think of fear...

 "You can't get rid of fear. It's like mother nature, you can't beat her or outrun her. But you can get through it. You can find out what you're made of."

 I know Fear and Faith can not coincide... You can't have both. But There are two kinds of fear to me 1. Fear where you hide away and say it's too hard or 2.You are afraid and you want to hide away but you don't despite your fear. When you face each trial head on I believe we will see what we are made of... what we really can become. So yes, I have fear in the future, but that will not shake my faith or cause me to cower. I will rely on my Savior who knows the beginning to the end... and I will get through each thing placed before me with his divine help. So with my fear... I take courage in the future... not knowing which way it will go, but knowing full well which way I will go.

Sometimes It is hard to feel like I am not drowning. Drowning is a scary feeling.... but the most incredible thing is Savior walked on water....

Image result for picture of christ foot walking on water

 He defeated water... I know that's a silly way to think like that. But when I feel under the water, I can see Him reaching through, pulling me out...

and eventually through conquering each fear and just believing... I too can defeat drowning... I can  walk with him on water...

Image result for picture of walking with christ on water 

Everyday I pray to hear what Heavenly Father wants me to know... Without fail he tells/shows me exactly what I need to know from Him to calm down. I am ever so grateful for my Savior and Heavenly Father.

Monday, November 7, 2016

Tender Mercy

D&C 38: 7-8

"But behold, verily, verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye cannot see me."

"But the day soon cometh that ye shall see me and know that I am..."

What has helped me....

Today was a much better day! I find when I have a day where I feel completely fine and back to myself is a reminder of how grateful I am for health. Health is so important and I think sometimes by not even trying... I take health for granted. I sure have learned not to do that anymore!
I also love days like today because it reminds me how much I am getting better.HAARAY! It use to be everyday all day for a very long time. Now it is just a couple days in a row off and on. I also love days where I have gotten through the hard day because I can think of yesterday and prepare for my next down day. Hopefully I will not have another... but if it comes- I will just be ready to try to handle it better than I did before.

Guilt....... Is not my friend on my down days. I feel like my guilt really pushes me beyond what I can handle at times. I read a talk from Elder Andersen yesterday and he said something about guilt. I am going to tailor a bit to the impression I received when I read it. It said,

" Guilt is like a battery in a gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is guilt. I suggest that you stop feeling guilty about any insufficiency you think you have...Rather, pray, like Alma taught, for opportunities “to stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places …This is a much stronger motivation than guilt."

After reading that I realized that feeling guilty and beating myself to a plup about everything I do wrong isn't going to get me anywhere. I will have no fuel to keep going. Possibly I may stay in the same place and never learn what will help me. So I need to learn to forgive myself and try again and allow myself to make mistakes.

I also know it is not possible to get through this without trying to understand what my triggers are and what I can do to help myself. My triggers I have learned are sounds.... TOO MUCH noise at once, lack of control, like... a house dirty, piles of laundry, kitchen messy, dinner not made, need to go to grocery store, sassy attitudes, too many things GOOD or BAD happening at once, self doubt or disappointment... things like that. Sometimes they all happen at once it feels. Sometimes I just wake up feeling that "anxiety" just inside me... for no reason at all. So I have learned to prepare.... and prepare for anything. So this is what I do...

The night before I start a new day I will have the kids things all ready... clothes picked out, what to make for breakfast and lunch planned out in my mind. With the help of my very patient husband we clean so the house is ready for me in the morning. Then in the morning I first PRAY... pray to help me to handle whatever comes my way or if I have my issue pray for strength.I make myself get up and I go. I am not a morning person. I actually dread thinking about getting up. But I get up and I may not be a pleasant as everyone would like but I have decided to just let myself be how I am in the mornings. Its okay! Then after I get the kids to school I try to workout... bike ride or in house workout. Sometimes it feels impossible and I say to myself... Do what you can... it's alright. I fill my house with piano music. PAUL CARDALL has really helped me feel the spirit or has just helped me remember I am honestly not alone. I put quotes around to encourage. I make sure I have time to study about the Savior. The more I learn of Him the more I come to understand how much I am loved. It feels so good to know I am loved by someone perfect and who knows me perfectly and thinks I am someone special. I do things that make me happy... I found a joy in painting and drawing. I am able to express my thoughts that I don't know how to verbalize out loud. I eat bagels and cream cheese a lot! And I save very very very tall glass of MILK for real bad times! I have come to find out that I do a lot better when I say, "It's okay to do what you need to do" Example... One morning I laid in bed and turned on the TV and laid there with my almost 2 year old for like 2 hours and did nothing. I previously would rip myself apart for that.... But I really needed that quiet down time with my daughter and I told myself It is okay. Allowing myself to just do what I need to survive and not be my own personal critic is so freeing. I don't have to be super women. Another thing... I am not a fan of laundry. And I gets way overwhelming for me.... I finish 5 loads and feel so happy then somehow there is 2 loads waiting for me. Frustrating... but I let go... I decided that I will have laundry everyday... and that's okay so don't worry about it anymore! So I breathe deep and I don't worry. 

I have decided to get of facebook and put my phone away more because I spend too much time and I was getting mad at my kids and that is not okay with me. So I get rid of electronics on those days. I do crock pot meals in the morning so I can handle my after school times better.I even try to have after school snacks ready before they get home. I made a cd of songs that make me feel like "I can do this" ....ready in the CD player of my car. I try to fill my life with good uplifting things... When I do have full on anxiety attacks... I remove myself... and even though I am shaking and having difficulty breathing.... I repeat in my mind... You are ok... everything is ok... and I try to take deep deep breaths. Reassuring myself that I am okay and nothing is wrong -while praying. Instead of being shaking and uncontrollable all day I am able to calm down within minutes. Progress!!!!

I try to serve someone in any small or anyway I can. Service helps me direct my thoughts to somewhere good....somewhere else!!! And from doing so I have been able to see... I am not the only one praying for relief or help. There are a lot of people... a lot... who suffer from something like this or a something a lot worse. We can help each other. I have been helped myself somehow by helping someone else. This is so much easier said than done... some days all I got is a fake pushed smile at someone else. And that's okay. But I try to do more and more each time. I always feel love for those I do serve and feel a glimpse of the love my Savior has for them and me. Heavenly Father has helped me so much. He has let me know he is here everyday through songs, talks, thoughts, family members, friends, and through quiet whispering and feelings of the spirit. I crave that good feeling I get through the spirit... I feel it's the only way to become whole. Not just from this trial but in anything we face. To stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places I know will push me through- will push anyone through. Prayer has become very special to me. I find myself talking to my Heavenly Father all day it feels. When I pray I honestly can say I have come to KNOW that He hears me. And I know He Loves me. 

 A line in my patriarchal blessing says, "Never get discouraged, Discouragement is one of Satan's most effective tools." It brings me determination to not get discouraged. DETERMINATION INSTEAD OF DISCOURAGEMENT!! much more happy! I noticed that gratitude as I said before is huge. When I am at my worst I find myself saying out loud what I am grateful for. The sun, sky, home, birds, etc... You can't express gratitude without a smile pushing through.... IT REALLY IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE if you can actually get yourself to express gratitude.

What helps me list... in case I don't want to read all that above!
2. Get up and remember one thing at a time
3. Allow myself to make mistakes and forgive myself.
4. Allow myself to take a break (from everything... cleaning... life) but never allow myself to Give Up!
5. Fill life with positive spiritual things (church music, piano music, Christmas music, talks, quotes, positivity, etc)
6. Have ready happy things (CD, Bagels, Hot quiet showers, fun workout songs, monkey!!!,healthier food, chocolate or MILK... yummy dinner husband will cook haha!)
7. Say what you are grateful for constantly... or say things that could be a blessing about anxiety or maybe good things you could learn from it all
8. Pray and express gratitude... study scriptures and learn more about who the Savior is
9. serve others... even if all you have is a fake smile
10. Prepare small things that stress me out (crock pot meal in morning, clothes laid out, lunch ready... etc with help if possible)
11. get rid of distractions that are not necessary... simplify
12. Breathe Deep
13. If I go into a panic attack don't get mad or discouraged... have hope it will be ok
14. Pray
15. keep expressing gratitude in your mind, heart, or out loud.... Especially express gratitude for those who help you.
16. Pray!!
17. Keep going
18. Always tell myself that I am good enough and I am okay!
19. End the day with a prayer of gratitude
20. Always keep hope- on this earth or the one to come... we really all will be okay. Live happy

*IF NONE OF THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR ME... there are days where I couldn't move let only do all this... GET HELP.... WITH ALL OF IT. have someone tell you grateful things. Help get the milk. help you pray. Help doesn't not mean weakness.... It is strength I can have to take control

I like this song... gives me a lot of hope and makes my heart just fill full....

Friday, November 4, 2016

I can do this

Days like today I would rather just hide under the covers and stay there. It feels like I would do less harm from under there. This morning was rough... I woke up completely fine and happy and after a "mean sassy" incident from one of my children I lost it completely. My daughter was crying when she rode off to school and I felt so ashamed of myself and I wanted to cry... I wanted break in half. I felt like the most low life on the planet. I could feel the "anxiety darkness" I call it start gathering in my throat. I tried to just to relax and calm down... So I got in the hot shower with no other noise and just tried to take deep breathes. I got out of the shower and took my 4 year old to preschool... very late of course. My friends who drop their kids off where standing out of the school talking still and one of them asked me if I were ok... I wanted to scream NOOOOOO, no I am not... but I said yes just trying to hold back the tears from streaming out. My other friend asked for a ride home since it was raining. When we were in the car she asked how was my morning and I didn't want to talk but BOOP it all came out. I am so glad it did. She helped me put my thoughts, feelings, emotions back together where I felt like I could start over and keep trying and that I was not the only parent in the world who messes up. I am not the only mom who looses it.

I feel like I spend a lot of my days /time crying because of the disappointment I feel in myself. I don't want to anymore, But I seem to not be able to control it very well... it just comes. I am tired of always being like this. Especially when I hear my daughter tell me, like this morning, "Ahhh Mom I don't like being around you when your like this" She must really hate being around me most days. I try not to let that make me feel sad. But I am sad. I feel like I make my family so sad through this issue I have. How I wish I had the strength to just make myself stop. I feel like I have a good day and the next day it is ripped from me and I have to fight like I am in a actual battle... but with myself and fighting to keep me normal! I am tired and I get so disappointed when I fail over and over when I feel like I actually made some ground about becoming better. But then I take a step back....Open my mind and try to see life how it really is....

So I am going to do that right now.....
Life is not mean. Life may seem unfair. BUT I can really do this.... I know I am only human. So I can make mistakes and I am going to. But just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I can't do this. Making mistakes doesn't mean I can't make it through hard times. Making mistakes and failing just means I can make it right and move on and hopefully learn from it. Satan doesn't want me to be okay with me. But that is his problem- It doesn't have to be mine. I feel like I am a roller coaster... UP AND DOWN! But I NEED to just give myself a chance! I deserve to keep going and keep trying. I am not meant to give up or give into darkness. Light is just so much more beautiful!

This really does take everything in me.... But hey we are capable of impossible things. My brother Luke said something in one of his texts about America that has stuck with me for awhile now....

"Courage and perseverance fueled an impossible victory"

Impossible victories can happen.... But you can't hide and run.... You have to step forward with courage and perseverance... That's when VICTORY is made! I may have anxiety but as cheesy as it sounds anxiety doesn't have me! So I guess now that I gave myself a pep talk hahahah I am ready for the rest of the day. I am so grateful for a Savior that gives light and lets me know everything is going to be okay no matter how many times I fail! That is exciting and very... very gracious!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016


Anxiety for me, in my own personal experience, got to be a bit self consuming. Everything inside felt as if it were about ME! I have come to see when you use the word "ME" a lot... it can be poisoning. By constantly thinking this is what I need can soon make a happy house a very unhappy house. Two things I will give thanks daily for that I so needed was to say SORRY and to express GRATITUDE. For everything someone did for me...big or small. Most days I was to tired or "down" to see that so many people where angels just trying to do anything to make things a bit brighter for me in any way.

I have done a lot of things I am not proud of through this. I don't know why but saying Sorry is extremely hard for me. My kids, especially Belle, has figured out that Mom is not okay most days and I have had to have very open talks explaining what is going on with me and also I have had to say I am sorry a lot. The simple forgiveness my family has for me... I feel... has softened my angry heart. The guilt I gave/give myself is extreme at times and by saying sorry and really meaning it has made me feel like I am not as horrible as I make myself seem. My sweet family has made it possible to feel like I can never be a loss cause... simply through saying sorry and  by unfailing forgiveness.

Gratitude is HUGE!!! It is summer berries lathered in fresh cream! It is sweet. It can make a sour day turn into something fresh! The smiles that come when I finally made myself see how hard people were trying to help me and express gratitude... helped me feel a bit more happy. Like I finally was doing something right or making someone else feel happy. The more I expressed my gratitude for others the more happiness crept back. It's magic!

Image result for lds quotes on gratitude

"If only we will see and appreciate it"! It sounds so easy... It's not. When I felt how I did it is hard to think of anything besides pain, hurt, and relief... But this was the best medicine for me to push myself out of my mind... it was very refreshing. Sometimes I felt I had no energy to even speak thank you... but how grateful I am for gratitude. It really does help heal... for me and for those around me- who also have struggled through all this and who I have indescribable gratitude for. I am not by any stretch of the imagination perfect at this, some days are harder than others, but I thank Heavenly Father for helping me find gratitude and when I do express my gratitude I can feel of its sweet relief!


Each morning for what felt like a year or more I would count down the hours, minutes, even seconds... till I had help or till I could get some kind of relief -that my husband could bring when he walked into the door from work. I would wake up and feel such a weight, that was so heavy, almost crushing me thinking... I CAN NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN.... Someone has to save me!!! Someone has to stop this! Someone needs to let me just stay in bed. Or dig a hole and Someone needs to bury me in it and leave me. I learned that I depended on "someone" else to save me. And I learned that thinking this way only made me sink deeper in my own misery!

This song Redeemer by Paul Cardall I think I listened to constantly. One day while listening to it I got the impression... Why am I waiting to be saved by someone else? Why do I go through the day pleading for Oliver to come home just so I can give up and not exist anymore? Why sob and plead so deeply to have someone be inspired to call, or help, or fix me?

I can do this... I can do this with the help of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I know He lives and I know prayer is real and I am heard. He can help me! So I decided I was going to live each day knowing that I CAN DO THIS EVEN IF HELP DOES NOT COME. I asked Oliver that when he comes home not to "take this" from me- but to help me through. Like as I am crying and feel my whole self about to fall, be there to hold me up and then let me go. Or while I am freaking out cleaning the kitchen, let me me clean, then be there to help me finish. When I have a complete anxiety attack- I will leave for however long.... and I will come back and I asked Oliver to continue the day as normal- but to put a loving arm around me for a second as to tell me, "I know what you are going through must be so hard for you, I love you, I am here for whatever you need, and I will never give up on you and you ARE doing it." For me living life normal felt good. Not thinking life had to change because I struggled made me happy. Living life not thinking I couldn't survive without someone else to hold me up gave me strength. Gave me hope that I will get through this- and if it never leaves- I still can get through this!

I always have to think of the Savior... because the only person that can get ME to get through this for myself is Him. The song I need thee every hour really became close to my heart.

I need thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Stay thou near by
Temptations loose their power
When thou art nigh
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Most holy one
Oh make me thine indeed
Thou blessed son
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee

I have learned to always and I MEAN ALWAYS keep the Savior close by me. For me that meant to fill my entire everything with good. Good uplifting things that always pointed me in the direction of the Savior. I will write about what I filled my life with in another post. It is pure strength... I could finally focus on one little thing and I could do it. After a while I could do a little more and a little more. I could feel myself believing in myself... that I can be alone inside but I truthfully am not alone. I found HELP!  I had confidence that I was going to be okay even if help never came/comes!