Grace

There are times when I feel like why on earth do I try? I try to do good, to serve, to read my scriptures, be there for my family, clean my house, get doctor help, get help for pain, etc... and it seems that no matter what I do to try to help... IT IS NEVER ENOUGH! My kids I feel are sick of me doing things for others because it cuts into their activities. I think they might feel I am choosing others over them. Which is not true. Lately without even knowing I have gotten a bit exhausted of everything and discouraged. I decided to take birth control the doctor prescribed to help balance my hormones... I got worse. I got a lot of side effects. I got super sick, I couldn't snap out of my down days at all, I was light headed, nauseous, itchy, tender... it was so crazy. So the doctor said to stop taking it and come in to be checked out. I freaked... I didn't go in. I got all scared like I am going to be put on so many different medications. For some reason that scared me. I got pretty down on myself. I kind of just shut down and didn't want to try anymore. I found that I was not trying all the uplifting things that normally help me. I would read my scriptures... maybe a chapter. Never studied them though. I honestly did not want too. I didn't want to read the words ENDURE TO THE END... or Have FAITH. Or it will all be okay. So I feel I got a bit bitter. My prayers changed a bit. I felt like I was just praying to get through a prayer cause I was suppose to. I really have felt so disconnected... and it is my own fault. I felt sorry for myself, and could feel myself slipping back into a haze where I just want to stay in bed forever. And all day everyday... for a bit I have felt that "something is not right" feeling inside me again. I can't sleep well... I wake up feeling so uneasy... almost scared or like something was forgotten and I don't know what. Or there is something important to be done and I need to get up and do it before its too late! And the crazy thing is... there is nothing forgotten or anything that needs to be done. So eventually I fall back asleep. I noticed my panic of little things has come back... Like if I am upstairs and my kids are watching tv I panic like... Oh no I am being a bad Mom. Or writing a grocery list ...my hands are completely shaking and I can hardly write and almost cry.  At the check out line I am starting to do my pep talks to myself again like, "Ok Mamie one box at a time...keep going...keep grabbing boxes!" Or sounds...I wish I could just be in a room for an hour with complete silence. And thinking of the next thing I have to get done... I am back to telling myself it is ok I can do this... or I don't do the task at all. I don't think I have cleaned my bathroom for a while. There is more but I just feel sad writing it. It is more what I think to myself that kills me. I am back to just trashing who I am. .... Oliver asked last night very sincerely if I liked myself?... All I could say is yes, well I think so ... not really! No one likes me like this. Which I know is not true... but I certainly make myself believe it. I finally decided I need to snap out of this because I am headed back to a dangerous rode. I always realized how much I needed my Savior and to stop pushing him out.

I prayed... like actually prayed... and obviously said I am sorry for how I have been. And I asked if I could find something today that he wanted me to hear and learn.... I decided to really study my scripture/talk again. I got on LDS.org and clicked on a talk and for some reason I felt that this is not what I was suppose to read. so I went back to the main page and a painting caught my eye and the subtitle said Become more through his Grace. I wanted to be more than I was so I felt strongly I should click on the picture. There was a talk with this picture called The Divine Power Of Grace by Elder James J Hamula. Here is the talk:

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2016/12/the-divine-power-of-grace?lang=eng&_r=1&cid=HP_MO_12-12-2016_dPFD_fLHNA_xLIDyL2-4_

(responded 5 days later)
Wow... exactly what I needed to hear. I felt as if Heavenly Father personally just sent me a letter in the mail to tell me exactly what he is thinking and to tell me what he needs me to know and understand for the rest of my progression on this earth. Every time I read or hear about the story of Peter walking to Christ on the water it teaches me something new each time. It has become so special to me and has helped motivate me a lot in so many different ways through theses past years.. This time Elder Hamula expressed how Peter hoped that he would get to Christ so he acted and stepped out of the boat towards Christ. Peter knew Christ was there. Once Peter was on the water his focused left Christ and set on the ragging storm around him that scared him so deeply that even though Christ was right there he still totally sank and in complete fear and panic cried out for Christ to save him. Immediately Christ reached out to help peter and reassured him he was there. Peter focused back on Christ and together they were able to make it! Peter had faith... just because he sank didn't mean his faith left. Peter allowed his fear to take over and his fear changed everything. Changed how he felt, what he thought, and at the moment what he knew. But thank Heavens for The Savior who patiently and lovingly helps our fears turn back to faith and hope.

I have really focused on my own storm lately. I know this is why I started to sink again. I have been so bitter and so angry about my problem that I honestly took my eyes off Christ and gave into the fear that there is no hope. Enough is enough.... Storms can be scary but don't have to be when I intensely focus on Christ who is right before me. That is when I feel my soul lift! Through his loving grace and no matter what I feel The Savior is ready to help me when I cry out and humble myself for His help. I have learned a lot more about service also... I have felt like I try so hard to do and help but it's never enough... I get so overwhelmed. I think that is suppose to be how its supposed to be.... The only life worth living is a life lived for others.... so when I am tired and feel like no matter what I do isn't enough.... I am wrong... it is making a difference. I may not see it because the storm may be too thick in front of my eyes but when I refocus on what is important... I can accomplish far more than I ever thought possible with his divine help. I am so grateful for this season and for Jesus Christ- He means more to me this year than ever before. Which I did not think could be possible. How my heart for real burns with love for what he did and does for me. How he helps me... when there is billions of other people... is beyond me.... but He does, I know it, I feel it, and I am ever grateful for it. And I am grateful when I finally decide to stop being stubborn and stop feeling sorry for myself because that's when I start feeling like the sun will come out tomorrow and days don't seem as heavy. I love that!

I love this song so much and has become a new favorite to listen to lately

My whole insides as cheesy as it sounds just bawls with gratitude. He really is the greatest gift one could honestly ever receive.