Insecure

I have realized I am very insecure.... Insecure about sharing me and my thoughts deep down. Something happened today that has thrown me into a horrible loop. I don't think I have stopped crying since 7:30 this morning. I ended up sending this blogs address link to all my brothers and sisters. The blog link I had copied for some other use and when I went to send my family a song for some reason this blog link I copied the day before sent instead. I have never felt shear terrifying panic that bad when I saw what I had sent and could not erase. I know that seems like it is so big deal. But I went uncontrollable. This blogs purpose was for me, to get help from my experiences that I have gone through for the days I felt I couldn't do it anymore. Not to let the people I love most... see into myself and open a whole mess of stuff. I have learned today that no matter how much I try to believe that I am not crazy and no matter how much I tell myself it's okay to be like this- I truthfully don't believe it. I feel crazy... I feel out of control... I feel like I have two people inside of me and then I just feel nuts. So I know, I am suppose to let go of my pride, and say it's okay that I cry and shake and can't handle normal sounds or be around people like I use to- without totally wanting to retreat under ground  or not even breathe properly... or have crazy things happen to myself I can't control...  BUT how in earth am I suppose to be okay with that!!!!!? When I realized that text sent out... all of a sudden I felt like... any control I have ever had.... left... and I was left so vulnerable and left for anyone to say any comment or crack any joke they want about me for how I have been through. I have not shared this blog with anyone besides my Mom and my Husband before yesterday. I don't want to be crazy. I want to hide it away and pretend I am just Mamie and I want everyone to see Mamie not Crazy. I get it... trials are part of life and we are dealt with whatever we are dealt. I just really love to be happy, normal, positive, fun, etc.... but this trial has taken that at times all from me. It makes me so extremely frustrated and then to have it shown to people that I respect and have thought of me one way forever- makes me want to hide and never show my face.

But no matter how much I am embarrassed by this I can't help but be grateful that I have learned something today. Something that may help me become more and may even push myself to heal even more. As crazy as that may sound! Like I said in the first place, I have learned that I have not accepted anxiety... like I thought I have. I am embarrassed about it and completely insecure!. And those two things have never made anyone ever heal. So I need to come to a sound place with myself. I need to get to the place where if people knew my inner self and what I hide everyday... Then... OH WELL... I am good with it.. I am okay to have anxiety. I need to get to a place where if someone were to take this lightly and laugh at me then it would not even bother me and cause me to beat myself up for acting so ridiculous. I need to get to a place where I love myself despite my trials.

I am so grateful for people who NO matter how I am or what they have witnessed from me make me feel like I AM JUST FINE. People who make me feel like I can make it through whatever comes my way. People who listen and don't laugh. People who care that I am in darkness but don't make me feel like I am crazy- but just but help me see light. People who care!

 I have also learned today what other people can do to help other people like me.... CARE.... Care and be sensitive. Care enough to understand that this problem isn't something someone can just wad up and throw in the trash and be done with. Sometimes it will not leave. Be sensitive enough to listen to whatever crazy or irrational thing someone says and leave them feeling as if they are safe with you. Safe enough so they can come out of wanting to be buried under 50 feet of snow. Sensitive enough not to joke about something so real and so terrifying.

I am grateful for tender mercies like this song today. My dear friend out of the blue sent this to me today and it was the song I tried to send my family... I know I was suppose to hear this today and to remember how My Heavenly Father knows I am still here today. And knew I was going to need this far before I did.

"My Little Prayer"

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For your eternal presence
I am learning to be patient
And that you are really there.

Sometimes I am afraid,
And I know that's lacking faith.
But I'm beginning to understand,
That for me you have a plan.

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you sending your son
To die so that I live
And for never giving up.

I'm learning everyday
That I won't always have my way.
But I'm beginning to understand
That for me you have a plan.

Heavenly Father, I am grateful
For you hearing my prayer.
I am learning to be patient,
And that you are really there.

There are answers I'm receiving.
No, they're not always immediate.
Sometimes I have felt a feeling,
That's when I kneel down in prayer.

You show me you hear my prayer.
I'm amazed by how you care,

Cause you hear

My little prayer. 

I am still trying to be patient.... and I do have fears. But how amazing it is that my Heavenly father has a plan for me.. and is patient with me as I try to scrape my way to where he wants me to be. I'll get there. I am amazed by how much he cares. I will try my hardest to be one who just cares. I will learn to love who I am and not care what anyone else thinks of me. To get there I think I need to come to learn more about who my Savior is and how he sees me- And know he does not think I am crazy and he cares and loves me so very much. In Him I can trust. I thank him everyday for angels he sent on earth to help me realize I can't be defeated no matter what unless I allow it. Which I won't. It is beyond me how something so terrible and unfair it seems push us to learn more, care more, see differently, and change. I am starting to understand why we have trials.... Which I never thought would be possible.