This time of year obviously everyone is setting goals and ready to try more, do better, or be better. This year instead of a list of resolutions that I normally have... I have one... To be okay with me! I feel so overwhelmed at times with things I need to get done, places I need to be, expectations of being better from this illness. I have struggled lately... I feel like I have a shut down button and somehow it's been pushed. I am so exhausted from trying to deal with anxiety. I feel as if some days I am ok and ready to move on with life and out of no where that boulder that suffocates me is chucked at me and it blindsides me and I am back fighting all day to just live. It's so extremely frustrating. I have thought a lot about these last years and I know somehow I am not punished with this, I am going to learn something so precious from this that I would never be angry that I experienced it. There are days where I would not agree with what I just said because they seem unbearable. But somehow when I do taste the sweet taste of relief I can see the blessings. I read a blog my sister Natalie sent me. It is called holdingtohopemyjourney.blogspot.com. This poor lady has gone through so much with depression, anxiety, severe migraines, and other painful sickness. I get headaches through all this but nothing to her level. Ohhh it makes me want to bawl thinking of all the pain and anguish she has endured. My heart goes out to her and mostly I am amazed at her strength. She turned to God for strength and for her hope! She wrote in her blog how she shares her story so people in the world will know they are not alone. It is for real a blessing to know that mental illness or whatever we have to go through does not have to make us miserable. It may feel absolutely miserable, dark, lonely, unforgiving, painful, terrifying, and completely broken... but there are people out there who fight... People who turn there broken pieces into a new piece of art and find beauty in it. This lady is so honest and very motivating. My Mom wrote an email to the family about Bracing yourself for this New Year! There is so much sad, bad, ugly, terrible, etc. surrounding us... That it is so easy to be scared of what may come. But my Mom wrote,
"There are uncertainties out there in a lot of people’s lives. I try to remember that this is the part of mortality that I voted for before I ever came to this earth. I also realize, because of my understanding of the purpose of this life, that no matter how hard, or sad, or painful, or how difficult it gets, I need to “embrace it”….instead of “brace for it.” There’s still a lot of spiritual education left in this life for me to learn from. There will most likely will be opportunities for me to learn how enduring my coping skills really are. I wonder what challenges will come my to help me get closer to my goal to become “unwavering.”
Anxiety=Unwavering??? As much as I don't want to believe that... I have find myself growing. I may hurt inside so bad that I want to bury myself, shake out of control to even write a grocery list, or live minute by minute trying to figure out how to get to the next minute... but My love for others and what they go through I have found so much more understanding and compassion for, my will power to press on has gotten so much more, my attitude has changed from complete agony to hopeful, and my love and reliance on the Savior has become huge! So this year I am going to give myself a break and love me for who I am today with anxiety... I am not going to say, "I will be happy if and when this goes away." I will be happy now with anxiety. There is so much to be thankful for... so much happy moments even in dark moments. So I guess I have 2 resolutions... Love myself and find the happy! Polyana has always been one of my favorite movies... so I guess the glad game will become my game this year.