Humility

I have to be honest my enthusiastic attitude is a bit gone today. I have tried everything to just feel better today. I woke feeling like alright!! I can take on this day!! And since my kids are on Thanksgiving break we will have so much fun! Slowly I again started to feel my self just slip into a rut of sad, anger, noise sensitive,almost like a rock is digging in my chest that keeps getting more and more heavy. Tears just fill my eyes and stream down my face and I have no clue why or how to stop them from coming.  I usually can fake it until I make it... but today I am struggling to even smile. I do keep telling myself that it is okay and thanking Heavenly Father for every little thing. I think deep down I am tired... tired of this... tired of being a Mom who just wants to sleep, a Mom who probably makes my kids feel like everything they do is wrong, or a Mom that can't even handle simple things. I am over trying... it feels like. I just want to throw in the towel and say,"FINE ANXIETY DEPRESSION or Whatever this is.... YOU win!" I am over it. I am over just being a grouch. I am not happy that I feel like this when so many other people have it so worse. Like everyone else and here I am worried about me... brother! I am mad that I think so much of me. I am mad that my life is so blessed... so incredibly blessed... but yet I am sitting against the wall sobbing with the door shut so no one can see me like this. I am mad that I can't shake this. I decided I am going to try birth control. I decided I have even faked out myself.... I kept telling myself this whole time that it's okay that I have this problem. I have even gotten myself to believe that I may be doing this to myself and I just need to stop this. I have found that I am not okay that I have this.... I don't want this. I think by accepting medication I am accepting that this has beaten me and I may have depression... Depression I won't accept. And that anxiety is too much for me to handle. I have grown up believing a saying that has always been in my home growing up, which I think I have taken too seriously I think... it says "If anyone can a Jones can" I think I have believed that I can do anything and nothing will defeat me... That is true, I can do anything, but I won't accomplish anything if I am not humble and realize I am nothing without my Heavenly Father. Getting help is not weakness and I have believed that for others. But I don't think I have believed that for myself. I need to humble myself. I am not super women. I can not do this on my own. There are days that I feel great and feel ridiculous for feeling this way- I talk myself out of help when I feel fine. But I know now I just need to allow myself help. I need to get better...if I don't... then at least I know that I did everything I could do for myself and that's good enough for me. So I will start with birth control. And if that does not help then I will just try antidepressant. This video is hard for me to listen to... but also very good to listen to...

This is everywhere... So many people... my heart breaks for each and every person who goes through this. How does this even happen? I don't know. But so many amazing people have been through this... I do not like darkness. I don't like the feeling. I don't like sadness or mental pain. But I think of my Heavenly Father having to watch me and so many millions of his children go through this... and I can't imagine the sorrow he feels and wanting to heal us. I just need to let go. Let go of my pride... I am fragile and I hate it. But I am okay. So I have not done all I can do... as much as I hate admitting I have not. The miracle of the gospel is one day like Elder Holland said My brokenness will one day be whole. That's something to endure for! Quitting is not okay.... If it wasn't for Christ atonement... no way would I be okay from day to day.... "Until that hour... May we live by faith, hold fast to hope, and show compassion to one another."