I can do this

Days like today I would rather just hide under the covers and stay there. It feels like I would do less harm from under there. This morning was rough... I woke up completely fine and happy and after a "mean sassy" incident from one of my children I lost it completely. My daughter was crying when she rode off to school and I felt so ashamed of myself and I wanted to cry... I wanted break in half. I felt like the most low life on the planet. I could feel the "anxiety darkness" I call it start gathering in my throat. I tried to just to relax and calm down... So I got in the hot shower with no other noise and just tried to take deep breathes. I got out of the shower and took my 4 year old to preschool... very late of course. My friends who drop their kids off where standing out of the school talking still and one of them asked me if I were ok... I wanted to scream NOOOOOO, no I am not... but I said yes just trying to hold back the tears from streaming out. My other friend asked for a ride home since it was raining. When we were in the car she asked how was my morning and I didn't want to talk but BOOP it all came out. I am so glad it did. She helped me put my thoughts, feelings, emotions back together where I felt like I could start over and keep trying and that I was not the only parent in the world who messes up. I am not the only mom who looses it.

I feel like I spend a lot of my days /time crying because of the disappointment I feel in myself. I don't want to anymore, But I seem to not be able to control it very well... it just comes. I am tired of always being like this. Especially when I hear my daughter tell me, like this morning, "Ahhh Mom I don't like being around you when your like this" She must really hate being around me most days. I try not to let that make me feel sad. But I am sad. I feel like I make my family so sad through this issue I have. How I wish I had the strength to just make myself stop. I feel like I have a good day and the next day it is ripped from me and I have to fight like I am in a actual battle... but with myself and fighting to keep me normal! I am tired and I get so disappointed when I fail over and over when I feel like I actually made some ground about becoming better. But then I take a step back....Open my mind and try to see life how it really is....

So I am going to do that right now.....
Life is not mean. Life may seem unfair. BUT I can really do this.... I know I am only human. So I can make mistakes and I am going to. But just because I make mistakes doesn't mean I can't do this. Making mistakes doesn't mean I can't make it through hard times. Making mistakes and failing just means I can make it right and move on and hopefully learn from it. Satan doesn't want me to be okay with me. But that is his problem- It doesn't have to be mine. I feel like I am a roller coaster... UP AND DOWN! But I NEED to just give myself a chance! I deserve to keep going and keep trying. I am not meant to give up or give into darkness. Light is just so much more beautiful!

This really does take everything in me.... But hey we are capable of impossible things. My brother Luke said something in one of his texts about America that has stuck with me for awhile now....

"Courage and perseverance fueled an impossible victory"

Impossible victories can happen.... But you can't hide and run.... You have to step forward with courage and perseverance... That's when VICTORY is made! I may have anxiety but as cheesy as it sounds anxiety doesn't have me! So I guess now that I gave myself a pep talk hahahah I am ready for the rest of the day. I am so grateful for a Savior that gives light and lets me know everything is going to be okay no matter how many times I fail! That is exciting and very... very gracious!