Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Doctor

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH............... Today was a huge terrifying step for me.... I have not yet gone to the doctor to talk about my anxiety. I really should've gone the first year when I was really having bad thoughts and the feelings I was having that wouldn't leave day after day. But as time went on I was seeing progression and felt as if possibly I could get over this with divine help. Obviously my issue has not gone away so after a lot of urging from my husband and family members I finally went today. Holy anxiety... walking into the Doctors office! I felt as if what I was doing was unnecessary and a waste of time. My chest was caving in. I went back and I am so lucky... my doctor and nurse were very sympathetic... The both expressed how happy they were that I came. Thank Goodness because I was going to throw up. I realized my issue was getting better, but I am still not okay inside, I just have figured out ways to cope and be okay. As I was talking and trying my hardest to express my feelings, I was rubbing my hand off... for real... over and over anxiety panic rubbing my hand... I couldn't even look at him.... I almost had an anxiety attack just talking. I started to cry...I must have been quite the nutzo scene!!! My Doctor handed me a tissue and told me it was okay and that I was not crazy. I took confidence knowing that I was in a safe place. So I let it all out in what goes on in my mind and self. Which is so huge for me. I never have wanted to accept that I may be crazy or have a disorder. I felt like I wasn't nuts for the first time and that it's okay and I can be helped. My doctor listened and at the end he suggested that he wanted me to go speak with a counselor, get on birth control, get labs to test my thyroid, and go on antidepressant medicine. I felt so sad- I felt as though I was making a huge break at becoming better now I need medication???? My heart sank a bit. I have never been a fan of birth control. And I feel like I am a happy person... so antidepressant made me feel so terrible- like all my work I have done and progress I've made was for nothing. My doctor explained how antidepressant medicine is for anxiety as well- and could help boost whatever in my brain.

I have decided I am going to wait till I get my thyroid test results back then make decisions about other medications if necessary. Wow.... what a morning!!! I have to say I wish I would've done this in the beginning. I learned today that I've let fear control me for far to long. I felt like I was a little kid who stole a cookie from the cookie jar and got caught and had to tell their parents! purely ashamed. So note for future self- It's okay to tell a professional. Find a doctor you trust completely and feel comfortable with. Don't wait even if you feel like you can handle it yourself. And medication is not evil... it can help if that's what I decide after prayer. A pit is still digging in my stomach. But a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

One thing I will take and always remember from today is what my doctor said, "You can not always choose to be happy and okay inside... but you CAN choose whether or not to be embarrassed or ashamed." I don't want to be ashamed of myself or embarrassed of myself. I have always been extremely sad through this that I am not who I use to be... But today made me realize that I am still me... but just handling a bit extra. So I am more than I use to be. I am more! That makes me feel good. That makes me feel like what I did today was worth it just to learn that. I have learned not to be afraid to get help. I ultimately have the say in what treatment I use for myself. So getting help will just give me those options for me to think and pray about. Nothing is final. And that makeS me feel proud that I finally did it.

I am very grateful for this song today...

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