Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Confidence

Each morning for what felt like a year or more I would count down the hours, minutes, even seconds... till I had help or till I could get some kind of relief -that my husband could bring when he walked into the door from work. I would wake up and feel such a weight, that was so heavy, almost crushing me thinking... I CAN NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN.... Someone has to save me!!! Someone has to stop this! Someone needs to let me just stay in bed. Or dig a hole and Someone needs to bury me in it and leave me. I learned that I depended on "someone" else to save me. And I learned that thinking this way only made me sink deeper in my own misery!

This song Redeemer by Paul Cardall I think I listened to constantly. One day while listening to it I got the impression... Why am I waiting to be saved by someone else? Why do I go through the day pleading for Oliver to come home just so I can give up and not exist anymore? Why sob and plead so deeply to have someone be inspired to call, or help, or fix me?


I can do this... I can do this with the help of my Heavenly Father and Savior. I know He lives and I know prayer is real and I am heard. He can help me! So I decided I was going to live each day knowing that I CAN DO THIS EVEN IF HELP DOES NOT COME. I asked Oliver that when he comes home not to "take this" from me- but to help me through. Like as I am crying and feel my whole self about to fall, be there to hold me up and then let me go. Or while I am freaking out cleaning the kitchen, let me me clean, then be there to help me finish. When I have a complete anxiety attack- I will leave for however long.... and I will come back and I asked Oliver to continue the day as normal- but to put a loving arm around me for a second as to tell me, "I know what you are going through must be so hard for you, I love you, I am here for whatever you need, and I will never give up on you and you ARE doing it." For me living life normal felt good. Not thinking life had to change because I struggled made me happy. Living life not thinking I couldn't survive without someone else to hold me up gave me strength. Gave me hope that I will get through this- and if it never leaves- I still can get through this!

I always have to think of the Savior... because the only person that can get ME to get through this for myself is Him. The song I need thee every hour really became close to my heart.

I need thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Stay thou near by
Temptations loose their power
When thou art nigh
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee
I need thee every hour
Most holy one
Oh make me thine indeed
Thou blessed son
I need thee oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my savior
I come to thee


I have learned to always and I MEAN ALWAYS keep the Savior close by me. For me that meant to fill my entire everything with good. Good uplifting things that always pointed me in the direction of the Savior. I will write about what I filled my life with in another post. It is pure strength... I could finally focus on one little thing and I could do it. After a while I could do a little more and a little more. I could feel myself believing in myself... that I can be alone inside but I truthfully am not alone. I found HELP!  I had confidence that I was going to be okay even if help never came/comes!

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