I also love days like today because it reminds me how much I am getting better.HAARAY! It use to be everyday all day for a very long time. Now it is just a couple days in a row off and on. I also love days where I have gotten through the hard day because I can think of yesterday and prepare for my next down day. Hopefully I will not have another... but if it comes- I will just be ready to try to handle it better than I did before.
Guilt....... Is not my friend on my down days. I feel like my guilt really pushes me beyond what I can handle at times. I read a talk from Elder Andersen yesterday and he said something about guilt. I am going to tailor a bit to the impression I received when I read it. It said,
" Guilt is like a battery in a
gasoline-powered car. It can light up the car, start the engine, and
power the headlights, but it will not provide the fuel for the long
journey ahead. The battery, by itself, is not sufficient. And neither is
guilt. I suggest that you stop feeling
guilty about any insufficiency you think you have...Rather, pray, like Alma taught, for opportunities “to stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places …This is a much stronger motivation than guilt."
After reading that I realized that feeling guilty and beating myself to a plup about everything I do wrong isn't going to get me anywhere. I will have no fuel to keep going. Possibly I may stay in the same place and never learn what will help me. So I need to learn to forgive myself and try again and allow myself to make mistakes.
I also know it is not possible to get through this without trying to understand what my triggers are and what I can do to help myself. My triggers I have learned are sounds.... TOO MUCH noise at once, lack of control, like... a house dirty, piles of laundry, kitchen messy, dinner not made, need to go to grocery store, sassy attitudes, too many things GOOD or BAD happening at once, self doubt or disappointment... things like that. Sometimes they all happen at once it feels. Sometimes I just wake up feeling that "anxiety" just inside me... for no reason at all. So I have learned to prepare.... and prepare for anything. So this is what I do...
The night before I start a new day I will have the kids things all ready... clothes picked out, what to make for breakfast and lunch planned out in my mind. With the help of my very patient husband we clean so the house is ready for me in the morning. Then in the morning I first PRAY... pray to help me to handle whatever comes my way or if I have my issue pray for strength.I make myself get up and I go. I am not a morning person. I actually dread thinking about getting up. But I get up and I may not be a pleasant as everyone would like but I have decided to just let myself be how I am in the mornings. Its okay! Then after I get the kids to school I try to workout... bike ride or in house workout. Sometimes it feels impossible and I say to myself... Do what you can... it's alright. I fill my house with piano music. PAUL CARDALL has really helped me feel the spirit or has just helped me remember I am honestly not alone. I put quotes around to encourage. I make sure I have time to study about the Savior. The more I learn of Him the more I come to understand how much I am loved. It feels so good to know I am loved by someone perfect and who knows me perfectly and thinks I am someone special. I do things that make me happy... I found a joy in painting and drawing. I am able to express my thoughts that I don't know how to verbalize out loud. I eat bagels and cream cheese a lot! And I save very very very tall glass of MILK for real bad times! I have come to find out that I do a lot better when I say, "It's okay to do what you need to do" Example... One morning I laid in bed and turned on the TV and laid there with my almost 2 year old for like 2 hours and did nothing. I previously would rip myself apart for that.... But I really needed that quiet down time with my daughter and I told myself It is okay. Allowing myself to just do what I need to survive and not be my own personal critic is so freeing. I don't have to be super women. Another thing... I am not a fan of laundry. And I gets way overwhelming for me.... I finish 5 loads and feel so happy then somehow there is 2 loads waiting for me. Frustrating... but I let go... I decided that I will have laundry everyday... and that's okay so don't worry about it anymore! So I breathe deep and I don't worry.
I have decided to get of facebook and put my phone away more because I spend too much time and I was getting mad at my kids and that is not okay with me. So I get rid of electronics on those days. I do crock pot meals in the morning so I can handle my after school times better.I even try to have after school snacks ready before they get home. I made a cd of songs that make me feel like "I can do this" ....ready in the CD player of my car. I try to fill my life with good uplifting things... When I do have full on anxiety attacks... I remove myself... and even though I am shaking and having difficulty breathing.... I repeat in my mind... You are ok... everything is ok... and I try to take deep deep breaths. Reassuring myself that I am okay and nothing is wrong -while praying. Instead of being shaking and uncontrollable all day I am able to calm down within minutes. Progress!!!!
I try to serve someone in any small or anyway I can. Service helps me direct my thoughts to somewhere good....somewhere else!!! And from doing so I have been able to see... I am not the only one praying for relief or help. There are a lot of people... a lot... who suffer from something like this or a something a lot worse. We can help each other. I have been helped myself somehow by helping someone else. This is so much easier said than done... some days all I got is a fake pushed smile at someone else. And that's okay. But I try to do more and more each time. I always feel love for those I do serve and feel a glimpse of the love my Savior has for them and me. Heavenly Father has helped me so much. He has let me know he is here everyday through songs, talks, thoughts, family members, friends, and through quiet whispering and feelings of the spirit. I crave that good feeling I get through the spirit... I feel it's the only way to become whole. Not just from this trial but in anything we face. To stand.... with God at all times and in all things, and in all places I know will push me through- will push anyone through. Prayer has become very special to me. I find myself talking to my Heavenly Father all day it feels. When I pray I honestly can say I have come to KNOW that He hears me. And I know He Loves me.
A line in my patriarchal blessing says, "Never get discouraged, Discouragement is one of Satan's most effective tools." It brings me determination to not get discouraged. DETERMINATION INSTEAD OF DISCOURAGEMENT!! much more happy! I noticed that gratitude as I said before is huge. When I am at my worst I find myself saying out loud what I am grateful for. The sun, sky, home, birds, etc... You can't express gratitude without a smile pushing through.... IT REALLY IS LIKE IMPOSSIBLE if you can actually get yourself to express gratitude.
What helps me list... in case I don't want to read all that above!
1.Pray 2. Get up and remember one thing at a time
3. Allow myself to make mistakes and forgive myself.
4. Allow myself to take a break (from everything... cleaning... life) but never allow myself to Give Up!
5. Fill life with positive spiritual things (church music, piano music, Christmas music, talks, quotes, positivity, etc)
6. Have ready happy things (CD, Bagels, Hot quiet showers, fun workout songs, monkey!!!,healthier food, chocolate or MILK... yummy dinner husband will cook haha!)
7. Say what you are grateful for constantly... or say things that could be a blessing about anxiety or maybe good things you could learn from it all
8. Pray and express gratitude... study scriptures and learn more about who the Savior is
9. serve others... even if all you have is a fake smile
10. Prepare small things that stress me out (crock pot meal in morning, clothes laid out, lunch ready... etc with help if possible)
11. get rid of distractions that are not necessary... simplify
12. Breathe Deep
13. If I go into a panic attack don't get mad or discouraged... have hope it will be ok
14. Pray
15. keep expressing gratitude in your mind, heart, or out loud.... Especially express gratitude for those who help you.
16. Pray!!
17. Keep going
18. Always tell myself that I am good enough and I am okay!
19. End the day with a prayer of gratitude
20. Always keep hope- on this earth or the one to come... we really all will be okay. Live happy
*IF NONE OF THIS IS POSSIBLE FOR ME... there are days where I couldn't move let only do all this... GET HELP.... WITH ALL OF IT. have someone tell you grateful things. Help get the milk. help you pray. Help doesn't not mean weakness.... It is strength I can have to take control
I like this song... gives me a lot of hope and makes my heart just fill full....
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